


Looking Glass

by walkingivy



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, Infidelity, M/M, Not exactly infidelity, visiting an alternate universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingivy/pseuds/walkingivy
Summary: Colin injures himself on set and experiences a world where everything is slightly different. The taping schedule is changed, some cars are different, some clothing is different, oh, and he’s married to Ryan.
Relationships: Colin Mochrie/Ryan Stiles, Debra McGrath/Colin Mochrie, Patricia Stiles/Ryan Stiles
Comments: 15
Kudos: 46





	1. Married

=====.o0o.=====

Okay, so I probably shouldn’t have laughed. But it’s what friends, true friends, do (honest). When his head collided with Drew’s desk, Ryan had jerked back quickly enough. There weren’t any sparks, and he hadn’t even broken character, which meant that Ryan’s pain was fair game. Good thing, too, because I wasn’t sure I could stop laughing. Drew and Kathy reacted in concern, asking all the right questions, but Wayne and I were choking on our own laughter, trying to muffle the sounds from our mics. Ryan carried on as if the accident was simply part of the game and incorporated it into his commentary.

But, as karma would have it, I had my own accident not even a week later. The timing was rather remarkable because injuries were extremely rare on the set of  _ Whose Line _ . I could count the times someone had been hurt on one hand with digits to spare, and really, no one had ever been seriously injured before, unless you counted Chip jumping on Ryan’s back.

My own accident was stupid almost to the point of hilarity. I was returning to the edge of the stage after a particularly rambunctious reenactment for  _ Scenes from a Hat _ when I lost my balance and slipped off the red carpet. I’d done it once before and Ryan had caught me, steadied me and joked about saving my life. I’d given him a look like he was an idiot and hopped off the small rise and back on. This time, however, Ryan was distracted, and I wasn’t able to catch myself before my head bounced on the hard edge of the grand piano. I went down to the sounds of Ryan giggling at my misfortune, because really, that’s what friends do.

I landed hard on the floor with an oompf that cleared the air from my lungs and Ryan’s laughter was immediately replaced with alarm. “Colin?” He asked tentatively at first and when I didn’t respond, he dropped to his knees beside me. “Colin?” He asked louder, more urgently, but blackness was already carrying me away.

=====.o0o.=====

I don’t know how long I lost consciousness for, but it couldn’t have been very long because when I came to my senses, there were still no medical personnel prodding me. Instead, Ryan’s voice was nagging at me to respond as his hands rested gently against my chest. “Col? Come on, buddy, say something.”

My head hurt like the world’s worst hangover, and I wanted to respond if only to get Ryan to stop shouting. I opened my eyes and saw a circle of concerned cast members hovering above me, and I tried desperately to think of something humorous to say that would convince them that I was perfectly fine. Nothing came to mind and that was worrisome on its own. “I’m fine.” I croaked. Even my voice sounded shaky.

“He’s bleeding,” Ryan informed the group. I hoped his mic was off.

Hadn’t he been wearing a green shirt? “Weren’t you wearing a green shirt?”

Ryan looked doubly concerned, if that was possible. “I’m going to take him to the hospital.”

“Good idea.” Drew nodded. “I’ll take care of things here, and we’ll meet you there later.”

“It’s not necessary,” I defended myself. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Brad came around my other side, and he and Ryan lifted me to my feet. “Easy does it.” Brad offered as he kept a steadying hand on my shoulder. 

Ryan was inspecting the back of my head where I’d made contact with the piano. I gave him easy access by staring at Brad. Hadn’t we been filming with Jeff today? “What are you doing here?” I puzzled aloud.

Brad gave Ryan a baffled look over my head. “I work here,” he responded. “I’m an actor,” he added, half joking.

I shook my head and instantly regretted it. “No, I mean, where’s Jeff?”

“Jeff isn’t scheduled to film with us until next week.” Ryan supplied, frowning. “Come on. We’re getting you to the hospital.” He looped my arm over his shoulder and tugged me tightly around the waist in a manner that was completely over the top and unnecessary, even if the world was a little fuzzy around the edges. I let him guide me backstage and out to the parking lot, feeling disoriented and unsteady.

I made little protest as he loaded me into a car, but as he turned the key in the ignition, my mouth moved of its own accord. “This isn’t your car.” Sure, it had the same small touches that Ryan had in his car, like the air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror and the row of rubber duckies fastened to his dashboard, and even the trash on the floor looked familiar, but the make and model were wrong, and the color was a few shades too light.

Ryan raised his eyebrows but didn’t contradict me. “Okay, Col, just don’t fall asleep. I think you may have a concussion.”

“All right.” I agreed in a placating tone. We sped out of the lot, and I tried not to cringe at all of the speed limits Ryan was ignoring. Instead, I occupied my mind with the mess we’d left behind. “I wonder what they’re going to do for the rest of the show.”

Ryan shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Your health is more important.”

“I’m not dying. I’m barely even bleeding.”

“You hit your head pretty hard. There could be inflammation, which, if left untreated, could potentially cause permanent brain damage. Forget about the show for a while.”

I sighed but let the matter drop, wondering when exactly Ryan had become a medical expert. By some miracle, we made it to the hospital without getting pulled over, and Ryan came around to collect me from my seat and guide me into the building. “I can walk!” I finally growled at him. Ryan let me go, but he hands floated close by, like he still expected me to fall over at any second.

I let Ryan explain the accident at the intake desk and then left him to fill out the paperwork while I was taken into a different room to be examined. It seemed to help Ryan to have something to do and my mind appeared to be playing tricks on me, so it was a relief not to worry about those tasks.

It didn’t last. The nurses asked me a dozen questions and the doctors asked the same questions. Then different doctors and different nurses asked the same questions, and it was difficult to keep my tone even. They ran some tests and stuck a bandage on the back of my head, but most of it felt rather unnecessary. I told them as much when they offered me pain medication and an overnight stay for observation.

The doctor gave me a serious look that I thought might be more effective on children. “From what your husband described of your behavior, I’d really feel more comfortable if you could be observed over the next day or two. Someone should watch over you.”

I almost snorted at the word husband but kept myself in check. Of course Ryan would list himself as my husband to ensure that he would have access to me. The real phenomenon was that the doctor believed him. I glanced down at my wedding ring and did a double take. It didn’t look quite right, but bringing that up now was not going to help my case for leaving the hospital tonight. “It’s not that serious; I’d be much more comfortable if I didn’t have to stay here,” I argued.

Just then, Ryan slipped into the room. I gave him a look that I hoped communicated my displeasure at him listing himself as my spouse. He returned it with a look of innocence. “I really think you should stay.”

“Oh, come on, Ry,” I pleaded. “The doctor said I just shouldn’t be by myself, and you can look after me, right?”

Ryan sighed, giving in much quicker than I had expected. “Of course I will look after you.”

The doctor seemed to accept this compromise and gave Ryan a long list of what he should keep an eye out for and an even longer list of contingency plans. It was almost insulting to sit there listening in on my own care, but I was too ready to leave to complain. I tuned out his voice until he finished with, “And I think it goes without saying that you should refrain from any sexual activities for a few days.” My cheeks were flaming, but Ryan didn’t even blink at the comment.

“I’ve got it.” Ryan nodded, hovering over me as I stood and made my way to the door.

Ryan made a quick call to Drew before we left, letting him know how things had gone and the new game plan. Finally, we were back in Ryan’s car and heading onto the highway. Ryan took me to his house, and I didn’t complain. If Ryan was going to watch over me, he probably didn’t want to do it in my hotel room. 

I fell asleep on the ride back but that must have been okay with the doctor because Ryan didn’t wake me up until we’d arrived at his house. I was only half conscious when he led me up the front stairs, letting me lean on him as he unlocked the front door. I expected him to guide me to the couch, but he prodded me away from the living room and up the stairs, finally depositing me on the king sized bed in the master bedroom. I guess that made sense. The doctor had told Ryan to keep a close eye on me, after all.

I came more fully awake when Ryan started unbuttoning my shirt. “I can do it.” I declared as I batted his hands away and worked off my shirt myself. Ryan chuckled softly and started stripping himself. It was kind of awkward. We’d never had occasion to strip in front of each other before, and Ryan was doing it brazenly. I tugged off my pants and slipped under the covers quickly. Ryan was also down to his boxers when he joined me under the blanket.

My eyes were already shut tight and sleep was trying to claim me when I wondered where Pat was.

=====.o0o.=====

I wasn’t sure what had woken me. There was a weight on my side that I wasn’t used to and a too long and too warm body pressed up against my back. A warm breath tickled my ear. The previous night came flooding back to me, and I realized that Ryan must have cuddled up to me in his sleep. It was actually kind of nice. I came fully awake at the thought and decided I really ought to get up.

I managed to extricate myself from Ryan’s arms without waking him and took stock of my surroundings. It was morning and my head was feeling a great deal better, possibly due to the pain medication the doctor insisted I take. I felt chilly and exposed so I slipped back into my clothes from the previous day which were heaped on the floor where I’d left them. After watching Ryan sleep for several minutes longer than necessary because it was rare to see him so unguarded, I went about my business.

The first oddity was in the adjoining bathroom where I relieved myself. There were two toothbrushes and combs and razors, but no make-up or feminine products. I pondered that for a moment before deciding to check out more of the house. It wasn’t really snooping, I told myself, because Ryan would have certainly given me permission if he were awake. The second oddity was that all the pictures that were normally hanging on the walls had been replaced with paintings. I tiptoed down the hallway in case Ryan’s family had come home late last night and I might wake them. Yet no one else seemed to be in the house. Weirder still, no one else seemed to be living in the house. The kids’ bedrooms had been turned into studies and there was no trace of the feminine touches Pat had layered the house with.

A sinking feeling came over me. How long had it been since I visited Ryan at his home? A month? Two? Had Pat left him in that time and he had somehow decided not to tell me? What other explanation could there be?

The third oddity stood on the mantelpiece in the living room. A picture of myself and Ryan, arms slung around each other, wide grins on each of our faces. It was slightly weird that this picture should be in his living room while I couldn’t find any of his family. I picked up the framed picture and puzzled over it. That wouldn’t be so bad, except I couldn’t recall getting this picture taken. The background looked strange, I couldn’t place it.

Suddenly, I felt arms wrap around my waist and the weight of a head on my shoulder. I froze, then forced myself to relax. It was just Ryan… being really weird for some reason. “I’m supposed to be watching you,” he pouted.

I tugged out of his grip and turned to face him. He was still in his boxers and didn’t seem to have any problem with me seeing him like this. I felt my face heat up and cleared my throat. “What happened with Pat?”

“Pat?” Ryan looked genuinely confused.

“Yes, Pat,” I confirmed, crossing my arms across my chest. I felt naked for Ryan since he didn’t seem to want to.

He looked like he was ransacking his brain for a moment. “Why do you want to know about Pat?”

I tried to convey in my expression that he wasn’t fooling anyone. No one’s wife up and leaves without leaving a big dent. Did he seriously believe I wouldn’t ask about her? “Because we never talked about it.”

Ryan seemed to accept this explanation, though he still looked puzzled. “I wasn’t happy, she wasn’t happy. I have no idea why we were together for so long.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Ryan returned in the same strangely calm tone. “I’m happier now than when I was with her.”

The strangest part was that Ryan seemed truly at peace with the decision to separate. I floundered for a moment before moving toward the phone. “I should call Deb.”

“Who’s Deb?”

I stared incredulously at Ryan. The words came out staccato. “She’s my wife.”

Ryan gaped at me for a minute before swooping in, feeling my forehead with his palm. “Col, are you feeling all right?”

I shook him off. “Yes, I’m fine. Just let me call Deb.”

Ryan shot me a look of deep concern but handed the phone off to me anyway. He looked down at himself while I dialed my own number, as if realizing for the first time that he was mostly naked and excused himself to go change.

My home phone rang and rang and rang. I tried Deb’s personal number and had better luck. “Hello?”

“Hi, Deb.”

There was a pause. “Who is this?”

I sucked in a breath. How could Deb not recognize my voice after all these years together? “Colin.”

“Colin?” Deb said slowly. “Colin who?”

“Colin Mochrie.” I clarified, feeling my neck heat up at having to give my last name to my own wife.

There was a pause before she responded. “Oh, hi Colin. It’s been a long time. Are you in town? It might be nice to get together again.” I swallowed hard. This couldn’t be happening. I must have paused too long because Deb was asking if I was still there.

“Yeah.” I responded, feeling like I was wading through mud. “I’m going to be visiting soon and thought we might see each other.”

“I’d like that.” Deb responded cheerfully. “You will be bringing along that husband of yours, won’t you?”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Ryan stripping in front of me, cuddling me, the doctor calling him my husband, the change of my wedding band, the lack of Pat and his kids…. Somehow, I’d married Ryan instead of Deb.

“Of course,” I squeaked out.

“Great. Well, give me a call when you get here. I’ve got to run now. Goodbye, Colin.”

“Goodbye, Deb.”

Numbly, I turned off the phone and set it in its cradle, sinking into the couch. I was married to Ryan. I was married to  _ Ryan _ .

=====.o0o.=====


	2. One Kiss Away

=====.o0o.=====

Ryan returned to the living room, standing awkwardly by the stairwell in a fresh set of clothes. “We should take you back to the hospital. You’re clearly not well.”

I shook my head. “No, I just…” I trailed off. How could I say this without sounding insane? This wasn’t just some bizarre practical joke that Ryan had set up; it was far too elaborate to be a prank. Nor could it simply be a dream because dreams had weird inconsistencies that fell apart if you examined them too closely. This felt real. Wrong, but real. And if I really was married to Ryan somehow, then explaining this other life I had with Deb would sound completely crazy. No, telling the truth about me being from some alternate reality was sure to land me in the funny farm. It was best to play along for the time being. “I just had a weird dream, and I guess with the head injury….” I left the sentence hanging, allowing Ryan to fill in on his own.

He looked at me critically, as if searching for answers before accepting my explanation. It was easy for him to do because he wanted to believe me almost as much as I wanted to believe me. I didn’t want to be crazy.

Ryan came and sat next to me on the couch. “If you’re sure…”

“I’m positive,” I affirmed.

Ryan leaned in slowly, and I realized that this was the first test. If I didn’t kiss him, then he’d assume something was wrong and try to take me to the hospital. I met him for a chaste kiss, but Ryan was having none of that. We’d kissed on set plenty of times before, but this was very different. Before, we’d only shared brief, surface kisses. This time, Ryan was plundering my mouth like a pirate and dammit if he wasn’t an amazing kisser. For the first time, this marriage of ours almost seemed plausible because Ryan knew exactly what I liked and was working very hard on driving me over the edge with just his mouth on mine and his hands cradling my head. I heard moaning and realized that it was coming from me. 

Ryan smiled into my lips and lowered me onto my back, tossing couch cushions out of the way. His hand crept up my thighs until he planted it firmly on top of my crotch. I realized with a start that I was already half-hard. Suddenly, this whole encounter was far too real for me. I’d only found a few men attractive in my life, and I had just surpassed my previous experience with men in the last couple minutes. I pushed hard against his chest. Ryan backed off. “What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t tell him that he was blowing my mind and my sexual orientation out of the water. “Doctor said no sex.”

Ryan looked adorable as he sulked. And since when did I think Ryan was adorable? “I’ll be really careful.” Ryan wheedled.

“No,” I stated firmly. “Breakfast?” I moved into the kitchen before I could lose my resolve. Strangest thing in my life, but I wanted to jump Ryan Stiles’ bones right there.

Ryan seemed to perk up at this but then wilted again. “Are you sure you should be cooking?”

“I’m not an invalid,” I declared, which actually went a long way to easing Ryan’s worries that I wasn’t well.

“All right,” Ryan relented, “not like I can say no to your cooking anyway.”

I began scrambling some eggs in a frying pan and noticed that these were my dishes and not Ryan’s floating around the kitchen. It occurred to me for the first time that this wasn’t Ryan’s house, this was our house. 

Ryan came up behind me and hugged me again, this time nipping at my neck and attacking my ear. It was surprisingly pleasant despite being completely surreal, but I desperately needed time to myself to sort everything out. Ryan was systematically destroying my ability to think.

Just then the doorbell rang and Ryan growled low in his throat. I watched him as he went to answer the door and wondered how it was that I’d never considered Ryan sexually before. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. It had certainly occurred to me that Ryan was attractive and that we were compatible on a level that was far beyond platonic. I’d just dismissed it as irrelevant from the beginning that only became impossible once we both had wives. Besides, I thought to myself, I was straight. I frowned. I am straight. I thought back to the kiss I’d shared with Ryan on the couch just a few minutes ago. Mostly straight.

Wayne and Drew were ushered into the house. “Hey Colin!” Wayne greeted me enthusiastically.

“How are you feeling?” Drew added.

I didn’t want Ryan filling in blanks this time, so I began a bit more honestly than I would have otherwise. “Still have a headache and feel a bit disoriented, but I’ll be right as rain for the next show.”

Ryan frowned at me, and I wondered what I’d said that he felt the need to correct. “Just relax. You don’t need to rush back into work.”

“Well, no,” Drew shifted from foot to foot, “but it would be easier to know in advance whether or not you’ll be able to make it.”

Ryan looked like he might pounce on Drew, so I set a comforting hand on his arm and he backed down instantly. It was almost awe inspiring how much sway I seemed to have over Ryan. “I really think I’ll be fine for our next performance.”

I offered some breakfast around. Drew and Wayne turned it down, saying that they were only around for a minute, but after catching a whiff, they ended up staying for the meal. During this time, I tried to gently probe for differences between what I knew of Wayne and Drew and what this alternate reality might entail. At the end of the conversation, I decided I was either really bad at finding out information or that Wayne and Drew were identical to the Wayne and Drew in my memory. The only big difference appeared to be my relationship with Ryan, a relationship that was clearly no secret from our coworkers.

After breakfast, I did some more snooping around the house, my house, as Ryan lounged in front of the television while keeping what he thought was a covert eye on me. There was really one thing I was most interested to find, and I located it in the study upstairs. I went through the photo album, hundreds of pictures depicting a wedding that, judging by the quantity of hair on my head, had to have taken place at least fifteen years ago. A wedding that I could not remember. Any fleeting thoughts that this was all some elaborate prank died as I flipped through the pages. This would have been impossible to fake.

I inspected one picture after another, recognizing most faces, while being at a complete loss for some of the others. I could see it all happening in my mind’s eye, but I couldn’t remember any of it. I stopped at a picture of Ryan and myself standing beside the altar, hands clasped tightly together. We both looked so happy.

“You were so handsome that day.” Ryan spoke from behind me, startling me. I felt guilty for some reason I couldn’t place. Perhaps it was because I was an intruder prying into a life that didn’t belong to me and posing as someone I wasn’t. Ryan rested his large hands on my shoulders and I allowed myself to lean back into his touch. Being with Ryan like this didn’t feel wrong.

=====.o0o.=====

The next day flew by simultaneously too slowly and too quickly. Ryan didn’t want me doing much of anything, so I finally decided to read for a while. The novel I had been working on before this whole mess had started was sitting on the bedside table of the master bedroom, bookmarked to the same page that I’d left off on. Last I recalled, it was in my suitcase at the hotel. I settled in on the living room couch while Ryan flipped on a hockey game and idly played with my feet as he watched.

I was not getting very far in my book. My mind was filled with questions that I couldn’t answer and couldn’t ask Ryan. How the hell had I gotten to this strange parody of my life? How did I get back? How had I ended up married to Ryan instead of Deb? What about Luke? What about Ryan’s children?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Ryan suddenly asked. I wondered how he knew I wasn’t reading the book I was staring so intently at. “You’ve been on that page for an hour.” Ryan explained to my unasked question.

“They’re worth more than that.” I delayed, wondering what I could say. Ryan had always been able to tell when I was lying on the rare occasions I attempted to do so, and he wouldn’t hesitate to call me out on it since we were alone.

“Two pennies, then.”

“Not even close.”

“You’re stalling,” Ryan replied, television forgotten. “It’s something you don’t want to tell me,” he surmised.

I mentally cursed. I’d have to give him something. “I was thinking about how we got here.” Vague, but at least I wasn’t lying.

“Well, you see, when a man loves a woman very, very much…” Ryan began in a teasing tone, and I took the opportunity to throw a pillow at him. “We’re here because you had the good sense to kiss me after your fourth date with Deb,” Ryan tried again, seeming to pick up on what I had really been thinking with alarming accuracy. “And the rest, as they say, is history.”

I could remember the night in question with surprising clarity, and it suddenly occurred to me that I  _ had _ contemplated kissing Ryan that evening.

_ “So, was I right or was I right?” Ryan demanded the moment I entered my apartment.  _

_ I raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing here?” I didn’t need to ask; I already knew that Ryan was there to gloat about setting me and Deb up together.  _

_ “I’m here for the gritty details. So, spill.”  _

_ I sat on the couch beside Ryan, turning in to face him as I contemplated my words.  _

_ Deb was amazing. She was talented, successful, spirited, funny, attractive, ethical, and, for some odd reason, very interested in me. I could picture a life with that woman, and it wouldn’t be a bad one. But for some odd reason, my mind kept comparing her to Ryan. She’d tell a joke, and I’d laugh while I’d think to myself that Ryan would have paused just a second longer before the punchline, and I would have laughed even harder. Deb would ask a question, and I’d think that Ryan wouldn’t have needed to ask. She’d explain some detail of her job, and I’d imagine how Ryan would slip in some double entendre until it was nearly impossible to distinguish just how far he’d stretched the truth. _

_ At the end of our date, I’d let her pull me into a kiss that lasted a bit longer than could be considered decent while standing on a street corner and all thoughts of Ryan had fled for the moment. _

_ As I sat close to him, watching him tap his foot impatiently while he tried so hard to give me time to respond, I found my eyes sink towards his lips and wondered how the kiss would have felt if it were Ryan instead of Deb. Without thinking about it, I realized I’d leaned in towards him, and he wasn’t pulling away. A few more inches, and I could find out what it was like to kiss Ryan. For a few thundering seconds, I considered doing just that. He wouldn’t stop me, I knew. We’d both laugh it off as too much to drink and things would go back to normal.  _

_ Then I shook my head and pulled back. Maybe I had had too much to drink. I didn’t want to kiss Ryan. “Okay, I’ll admit it. You were right. Deb is fantastic.” _

I swallowed and looked back at the present-day Ryan who still had my feet in his lap and was looking at me with a strange sort of adoration in his eyes. Is this what would have happened had I kissed Ryan that night?

=====.o0o.=====


	3. Lost Something

=====.o0o.=====

I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t all that surprising given the strange turn of events and my transportation into a bizarre new world. I decided to slip out of bed and head to the lonely computer in the study to do some research. If nothing else, it would let me escape the awkward situation of sleeping in the same bed as another man for a little while.

Bringing up a web browser, I began my search. The internet unsurprisingly seemed certain that Ryan and I were together, but that wasn’t all that different from how things were before. Now, however, there were photos of us at all sorts of events together that I knew we’d never attended.

Next, I looked up what had been tickling at the back of my mind ever since I’d seen our wedding photos. When had gay marriage become legal in the United States? After a few brief searches, the answer seemed to be 1985. Apparently, the Civil Rights Movement had sparked a Gay Rights Movement that flourished in the 1970s. It had traveled along a similar path, likely taking its inspiration from the successes of black Americans working toward equal rights and quickly became a hot-button national issue. In 1983, a series of executions of homosexuals by a fanatical cult caught on tape brought the issue to a head and swayed public opinion. A few years later, the Supreme Court decreed same-sex marriage to be of equal standing as straight marriages.  
I sat back and stared at the screen. So that explained how it was that Ryan and I were even able to get married. But instead of easing my worries, I found them increasing. How much of the world had changed? How would I even know? And most disturbing of all, could I get back? I didn't think I could live in a world where Luke simply didn't exist. The thought was like an oppressive weight, and I felt my chest constricting. 

"Hey, Col, you disappeared, and I.. what's wrong?"

Ryan was suddenly beside me and wrapping me in an enthusiastic hug that felt too comforting to resist. I let myself lean into his chest, feeling his warmth seep into me and closing my eyes against the tears brought on by the thought of permanently being separated from my son.

After a few minutes of letting me bawl, Ryan tried again. "Come on, Col, talk to me."

I racked my brain for some way to explain what I was feeling without coming off as completely insane. "We don't have any kids."

"We've talked about this before. We can start the adoption process at any time. I didn't realize it was weighing on you so much."

"Honestly, I feel like I've lost something."

Ryan frowned at me. "What brought this on? You never mentioned it before." His gaze slid over to the monitor and my searches on gay marriage. Whatever conclusion he came to, I wasn't sure, but I wasn't prepared to supply any more information. 

"Come on." He said, tugging me to my feet and leading me back to the bedroom. He kissed me on both cheeks before curling up around me and rubbing my stomach in a soothing gesture. "Maybe you have lost something," he continued, breath tickling my ear, "maybe we've both lost something. But I couldn't be more content with what I do have. Whatever we're missing, we'll find it together."

The situation should have felt disconcerting or at least embarrassing, with my best friend curled up around my back dressed in only boxers and whispering meaningless assurances about things he didn’t understand and touching me in a way that went far beyond platonic. It really should have.

Yet, as I laid there in his arms, I couldn’t even summon any feelings of annoyance. Ryan’s words and motions were comforting to me, and I felt strangely certain that we could find a solution together. After all, through all the upheaval in my life, Ryan had been a constant. There was no one that made me feel as safe. There was no one that understood me as well as Ryan.

I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I loved him deeply; I’d even done so on national television. What I was having trouble wrapping my head around was that our love was exactly one well-timed kiss away from being the committed romantic relationship sort of love and not the goofy, brotherly sort of love that we always assumed it was. Yet, this strange version of reality suggested that was exactly the case.

Had I always felt this way about Ryan? I’d never really allowed myself to contemplate it before. He’d always been off limits, supposedly straight, in a relationship, and too much of a rock in my life to start testing new waters. But now that I had the opportunity, it felt so goddamn right.

So instead of salvaging my dignity and moving away, I found myself leaning back into the embrace and replying, “I know.”

=====.o0o.=====

I awoke to a peculiar sound of moaning. I had the strangest sensation of being enveloped by something warm and wet. The mouth that was working me over was exceptionally skilled and clearly well-practiced. And then I realized that I wasn’t sleeping at all and that the moaning had slipped out of my own throat as a result of the really quite fantastic blowjob I was receiving.

It was at approximately this point in time that it occurred to me that the person who was supplying this pleasure was most certainly not Deb as it was not her style to wake me up with surprise blowjobs and was almost certainly Ryan with whom I vaguely recalled falling into bed a few hours ago. This realization was quite the conundrum for me to have for a few reasons. Firstly, this wasn’t my wife, and I, as a rule did not cheat on my wife. Secondly, this was Ryan, and I, as a rule did not sleep with men. So, as my brain made the decision that this would have to end immediately, my body came to an entirely different conclusion and tangled my hands into the soft curls of Ryan’s head.

I had to get him to stop, I reaffirmed, opening my mouth to protest, but instead released an embarrassingly needy whine. My hips jerked of their own accord, and Ryan chuckled deep in his throat, sending vibrations over my skin in a way that made it even more difficult to think.

The blowjob had to be the best I’d ever had in my life. There was just the perfect amount of suction and heat, just the perfect amount of rubbing in all the perfect places. It was the kind of blowjob you might expect from a prostitute that you’d paid particularly well. Or a wife that thought sucking cock was the best form of sexual gratification.

My eyes flew open at the thought of a devoted wife. Sure, Deb wasn’t a fan of blowjobs, but that didn’t mean that she deserved to be cheated on. And that’s what I was doing, wasn’t it?

The thought was washed away with the sight of Ryan sucking for all he was worth. God, it was hot in a way that I couldn’t remember finding anything and immediately sent me over the edge. I didn’t even have time to warn him before I was releasing into his mouth, but Ryan took it all in stride, like he’d done it a thousand times (and he must have, I supposed), slurping it down eagerly before letting me go and moving up the bed to lay beside me.

He turned my head and gave me a hearty kiss. I was at first surprised, then turned on by the taste of myself on his tongue. I wasn’t entirely enamored with my own taste, but it sent my thoughts straight back to the idea of Ryan eagerly sucking on my dick and drinking my semen. A twitch in my spent cock declared that I was aroused by Ryan.

The man in question made an excuse of getting a shower and turned to leave, hesitating by the door. He’d always been able to read me so well, I was certain that he’d seen something of the war in my mind showing up on my face. It wasn’t Ryan’s fault that I was attracted to him, nor did he know that I had a wife back home. I sent a brief smile his way and watched him depart, trying to convince myself that I’d only just woken up, and I had had no way of knowing it wasn’t Deb trying to surprise me.

I closed my eyes and let my head drop against the wall as I was greeted with images of Ryan’s mouth wrapped around my dick. I couldn’t deny what had happened, nor could I deny how badly I wanted it to happen again.

=====.o0o.=====


	4. Found Something

=====.o0o.=====

It was the final day before our next filming for  _ Whose Line _ and Ryan was trying everything he could to convince me that I shouldn’t go in. “Really, no one is going to think badly of you if you don’t want to work immediately. I mean, come on, Col, you were injured on the job.”

I made a face to let him know exactly how I felt about that sentiment. “It was barely an injury. A concussion at worst.”

“You were bleeding. You went to the hospital.”

“Only because you made me. I’m fine, Ryan.” I gave him the hairy eyeball, looking him up and down before settling on my next words. “Honestly, you’d think there’s some reason you don’t want me to go back on set.”

Ryan looked guilty. A week ago, Ryan probably would have evaded the question, even knowing I could see right through it, but today, we were married. Ryan ducked his head. “It’s just, you’ve been acting funny ever since, and I know how you push yourself. I don’t want you to end up hurt.”

I decided that that was perfect Ryan logic, and I’d even suspected as much, but it was a pleasant surprise to hear him admit it. I was finding Ryan’s whole emotionally vulnerable side to be quite adorable. I then scolded myself for allowing the thought to sneak in my head. One very bad decision per day was my limit, and I’d already met that quota before I even left my bed.

“Your concern is endearing, but entirely unnecessary. I’m fine, Ryan. Seriously.” I wasn’t sure if I was doing anything to convince him, but there was little I could say to eliminate concerns about me acting differently. I was acting differently because I had no idea how to act around Ryan anymore.

Ryan shrugged but my relief at him dropping the subject was short lived. He snuck around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. His breath was warm in my ear as he leaned into me. “What do you want to do today, then?”

I could tell exactly where his mind was going and quickly searched for an escape route before I let myself agree. “Can we go out?”

“Sure,” Ryan responded promptly. “Where did you have in mind?”

“How about that park that you-” I cut myself off before I could mention his kids. “Like.” I finished lamely.

“Over on Elm Street?”

“Yeah. We could pack a little lunch and do a picnic,” I continued, warming up to the idea.

Ryan was also enthusiastic about the idea and helped me prepare a couple of snacks for our short trip. We drove the few blocks to the park and began a slow walk around the premises. There weren’t very many people about, so it was a quiet, serene experience. It wasn’t nearly as awkward as I had feared.

Then, Ryan suddenly dropped the bag with our food, tapped me on the arm and yelled “you’re it” before taking off toward the edge of the pond. I stood still for just a moment before I took off after him, laughing partly at his childish behavior and mostly at my eagerness to go along with it. It was, after all, what made acting on  _ Whose Line  _ so much fun.

We chased each other until we were breathless and exhausted before collapsing next to our bag that was magically still present and tearing into our food. Then, we walked down to the edge of the water, dangled our feet into the murky green depths and started discussing what sort of contamination might be in the water that we were exposing ourselves to, each suggestion more wild than the last.

Finally, Ryan leaned in just a little closer, pecked my cheek with a quick kiss and left his hand resting on top of mine. He let out a contented sigh. I found myself melting into my own puddle of relaxation and wondering why every day couldn’t be exactly like today.

“What’s up?” I prodded.

Ryan glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “I was just thinking how maybe I was imagining you acting strangely. If you think you’re ready for tomorrow, I won’t stand in the way.”

It was a nice sentiment, and I immediately thought of making a joke about him being too skinny to effectively stand in the way of anything, when a deeper meaning occurred to me through his words. If he thought he was imagining me acting funny, that meant that everything we’d done since we got to the park must have seemed completely normal to him. This day that seemed almost too perfect was what Ryan considered normal between us. This marriage wasn’t some tornado that had completely rearranged our relationship; it left all the best parts in ample quantities and added in some new parts. Thinking back to that morning’s blowjob, I couldn’t help but think that those new parts weren’t so bad either.

I shook my head firmly. I was a happily married man. And not to Ryan.

But… I had to admit, this was pretty nice.

=====.o0o.=====

Improvisation had been such a big part of my life for so long that nowadays nerves only reared their ugly head when I was doing something completely new. Still, I was in a different universe where random things had changed, like the color of one’s shirt, or the guest star on  _ Whose Line _ or, oh yeah, who you’re married to. So, really, I couldn’t be sure what to expect.

Jeff was there, which was weird because I’d just filmed an episode with Jeff and the games they had scheduled were ones we’d had on the docket for Brad. The line-up for the evening included Weird Newscasters, Award Show, If you Know What I Mean, Greatest Hits and Props. It was only enough for one episode, where Dan often tried to wedge in enough material for two, but I had a feeling that Ryan had something to do with his decision to keep it easy for tonight. I found it sweet at the same time I found it obnoxious. The mixture of emotions was not uncommon for me to have when faced with Ryan.

“You ready?” The man in question asked.

“Of course,” I replied, trying to sound just a hint of annoyed so he’d let it drop. But maybe I sounded nervous, too, because Ryan was looking at me suspiciously.

“Remember, if you need to stop, we stop.”

“Got it.” Arguing with that statement was going to get me nowhere.

Ryan planted a brief, chaste kiss on my lips before we headed out to the stage, and I couldn’t help but glance at Wayne and Jeff to see their reactions. It looked to be about as surprising to them as rain making the ground wet.

I zoned through Drew’s usual introductions, noting calmly that he managed to slip in a comment that sounded distinctly gay before our first game, and waited patiently as he went through his instructions for Weird Newscasters. I would have to panic over everything, while Wayne was the Spanish Crocodile Hunter and Ryan was on a mission to replace everyone on the show. He made some crack about Mercenary vs. Missionary, then we were on our way.

Jeff made it easy for me by setting me up with a news story that was only slightly problematic, which I then proceeded to act like a chicken with their head cut off. I liked the physically active prompts, even if I complained afterwards, because my expressions always got a rise out of Ryan. While Wayne lost an arm to an alligator in the audience, I glanced nervously Ryan’s way to find the tiniest of smiles creeping onto his face and cheered internally. It was no mystery to anyone who’s seen an interview with me that I love to crack Ryan up. When I went on the stage with him, it was always a secondary objective after following through on my prompt. I don’t know why my past self had never pieced together the reason this was so important to me.

Suddenly, it was Ryan’s turn and he was offering me poisoned lemonade. I took the opportunity to flee at a run across the stage. I waited just a moment in the wings, watching as Ryan took out Jeff and Wayne extremely quickly. I decided I need to make a reappearance to give him some time to finish his quirk and ran back across the stage. Ryan followed me around the set, and it was just like playing tag the day before. It was so fun that I had to keep reminding myself to look panicked. The skit was soon over, and we returned to our seats. I tried to mask the fact that I was panting from exertion from full out running around the set in order to get away from Ryan and his long legs.

“Somehow, I feel like we’ve just had a glimpse into Ryan and Colin’s bedroom,” Drew said with a shudder. Ryan chuckled heartily, and I got the feeling that this was not an uncommon comment from Drew. I supposed that would be how I’d expect him to react in my own reality.

I didn’t know how I should respond to such a statement. Ryan and I made jokes about sleeping together all the time, but they were funny because we weren’t doing it. Or, at least, I thought that was why they were funny. Maybe they could be funny regardless. I gave a reprimanding look at Ryan. “Did you tell him?” I demanded in a fake whisper.

Ryan ducked his head and the audience roared.

“Yeah, it was so traumatic, almost made us forget about Wayne spitting up. I didn’t forget,” Drew continued with a wicked grin.

The next game was Award Show, which was designed for Hillbillies and aptly name Divine Swine Award by Wayne. He and Jeff discussed the award, falling into an easy banter as the contestants were announced. Ryan and I won, of course, as two hillbillies sharing a bunkbed. I wondered if gay jokes were just par for the course now. Then, I considered that we’d always made them, and maybe nothing had changed at all. Ryan greeted Jeff and Wayne with a high pitched pig squeal that jerked me out of my thoughts, and we hurried through the rest of the game until Drew buzzed us out.

If You Know What I Mean was next, and I floated around in a state of awkwardness at not being able to rely on Brad’s quick double entendres or ridiculous innuendos. Jeff was perfectly great as well, but I couldn’t recall ever playing with anyone but Brad, and it threw me. Not a good combination for this game considering it was probably my weakest one. Every time we played it, I prayed they’d ask someone else to do it, but I was always selected. I think they enjoyed watching me flounder. If I were actually drinking water each time I pretended to in order to avoid coming up with something clever, I’d have emptied a pitcher by now. The only one I got off decently was a joke about going off before my gun. Ryan snapped back a response that was even dirtier and soon Drew was hitting the buzzer. I honestly don’t know why we’re allowed to play that game on a family station.

My embarrassment didn’t last long as we were moving on to Greatest Hits, one of my favorite games. Traveling Salesman was selected as our topic and we were off.

Ryan looked at me with a smile. “Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Traveling Salesman.”

I knew this was the end of the joke but decided to aggravate Ryan by continuing. “Traveling salesman who?”

Ryan gave me a dirty look, but quickly recovered and proceeded to suggest a blue grass song. When he followed it up with a suggestion of a blues song, I couldn’t help but comment. I looked him up and down, noting his blue shoes and blue shirt and said, “What is it with you and blue?” Ryan took it in stride, proclaiming that there was a difference between blues and blue grass. I proceeded to spend the rest of the game taunting him about the overuse of the word blue. I couldn’t recall for the life of me any of the songs Jeff and Wayne sang.

At the end, I won for no other reason than the next game being props. There was a set of giant wrenches and a floppy yellow thing with giant spikes. I honestly wasn’t paying much attention, almost forgetting to buzz after one of the sets, but I couldn’t help it. It was crazy to think that Ryan and I were married and it made so little difference in anything we did.

=====.o0o.=====

Ryan drove us home after we finished filming. I always let him drive when we’re together because he likes to be in control of the vehicle, and I like to be able to lose myself in my thoughts. We’d always been so complementary; it was not difficult to see us together.

Shortly after we arrived back at the house, our house, Ryan’s tongue was down my throat and his hand was in my pants. It took all of my willpower to pull away from him. I could admit that I wanted him something awful, I could even admit that I may be willing to have a full relationship with him, but I wasn’t ready to give up on my wife and kid. I would get back to them soon, and I was already going to have a hard time looking Deb in the eye. I didn’t need anything else to feel guilty about.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked in a tone that suggested he was struggling not to push me back against the door and have his way with me. The thought made me even harder.

I couldn’t think with Ryan so close, his breath hot against my face. “I’m really tired.”

Ryan bent down and began nipping at my ear, and then moving along my neck. I didn’t have the will to push him away any more. “I’ll do all the work.” Ryan promised, slipping his hand inside my shirt and playing with my nipples. From sucking on them and rubbing at them at inappropriate times, Ryan always did seem to have a fascination for my nipples. His other hand made its way back into my pants and grasped my dick, and this time, I didn’t have the wherewithal to dissuade him. All the blood had left my brain and headed straight for the organ he was massaging.

Something inside me snapped, and I was suddenly working at Ryan’s shirt, desperate to see the smooth curves of his chest and feel the heat of his skin under my fingertips. He backed me into the door again, quickly tugging the buttons loose on my shirt before casting off my belt. He had my pants around my ankles and was encouraging me to step out of them before I’d even completely removed his shirt.

Nervously, I stood before him in the nude, my cock standing at attention, already dribbling precum. Ryan was running his eyes up and down my form before licking his lips and dropping to his knees in front of me. Before I had any sense of what was happening, he was sucking down my cock, and I found myself moaning at his ministrations.

My legs felt like jelly, but before I could embarrass myself by falling on the floor in a heap, Ryan was on his feet again and tugging me to the couch. He pushed me down on my back and crawled on top of me, sucking and nipping all over my chest and leaving me to jerk upwards for some friction against my needy cock.

Ryan swung off me and stripped off his pants. I involuntarily found my gaze locked on his own hardness, which was bouncing from his movements. The sight sent even more blood southward. I couldn’t seem to think of anything but drawing him into my mouth and seeing what it tasted like. Ryan obliged me before I even said anything and soon I was slobbering over him in my enthusiastic ineptitude.

Ryan didn’t appear to mind, instead he reached into the drawer of the end table and retrieved a tube of what my sex addled brain labeled as lube. It suddenly occurred to me that we were about to go all the way. If I didn’t say something soon, one of us was about to have a dick up their ass. The thought was simultaneously terrifying and thrilling.

Did I bottom for Ryan? Somehow, it seemed harder to picture Ryan letting me take him. The images that accompanied that thought were so erotic that I had to grip myself hard to keep from going over the edge. A submissive Ryan stretched out below me, begging me for my dick, begging me to take him. I remembered the narrate scene we’d acted out for a pizza parlor and how Ryan had said he’d wanted me inside him. I couldn’t help the chuckle that burst out.

“What?” Ryan asked, slightly disturbed that his efforts might be humorous.

“I was just thinking about the pizza parlor narrate,” I confessed.

Ryan smiled seductively. “Remember what happened that night?”

I smiled back. I didn’t remember, of course, but there was a part of me, throbbing between my legs, that was desperate for the answer. “Care to reenact?”

“Just what I was thinking.” Ryan moved his lubed hand behind his back and there was no question about what he was doing with it and his splayed legs. Ryan then spread some lube over my cock and crawled on top of me. He guided my dick toward his hole until I could feel the ring of muscle around the head. “Ready?” He asked.

It was my last chance to turn around, to end this before it was too late, but I didn’t want to end it. I wanted this to play out and damn the consequences.

Ryan began to lower himself onto my shaft, letting it slide in inch by inch. I couldn’t believe the tightness and the incredible heat that accompanied an eager, horny Ryan that wanted me inside him. It was all too much, and I nearly went over the edge again before I managed to regain myself. Ryan as fully seated now, his weight resting on my hips, my cock buried as deep in him as it would go.

Ryan began to ride me, doing all the work as promised, jerking up and down and impaling himself on me. He shifted his hips until he’d worked out just the right angle and rocked himself back and forth. Every movement was delicious, and I was pouring myself into him before I was aware of it. “Ryan!” I gasped out. He rubbed himself a few times before spilling out onto my stomach and then dropping onto the puddle he just made, making me release an oompf of air.

“I can’t move,” he declared.

“I don’t want you to,” I replied.

=====.o0o.=====


	5. No Pancakes

=====.o0o.=====

I tried to rationalize it. If I hadn’t done it, he would have figured out that something was wrong, would have realized I was playing a part. I tried to blame it on Ryan. Maybe he’d pressured me into it. I had said I was tired. Seduction, wasn’t that what they called it? I couldn’t help myself. 

Only problem was, I knew better. I’d had sex with Ryan because I wanted to have sex with him. I could have stopped myself but I chose not to. It was a slap in the face to accept this reality because I’d made a commitment to my wife, and I’d broken it. But, then, I’d made a commitment to Ryan, too, hadn’t I? I wasn’t technically married to Deb anymore, so it wasn’t 

technically cheating, was it?

As the days crept past, my excuses became more elaborate, more believable (or maybe I’d lowered my standards?), and I found myself relaxing into this life with Ryan. It was alarmingly easy to do. I could go to work with Ryan, come home with Ryan, go out to eat with Ryan, go to the park with Ryan, go shopping with Ryan. I thought all this time together might drive me nuts, but instead I found myself relishing the experience. I never got to spend enough time with Ryan before, and now I could fill every second of the day with him. I’d never gotten along with someone quite as well as I did with him.

The second time I made love to Ryan, I didn’t bother trying to rationalize it, even as I crossed the line from a one-time mistake to a conscious choice. The truth was hauntingly clear. I was in love with him. Acknowledging this should have been devastating, but it felt more like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I found that I couldn’t pinpoint when I’d fallen for him, only that it had been a lot longer ago than a week. I told him that I loved him as we cuddled late at night. I could hear the smile in his voice as he tugged me closer and said he loved me, too.

It was halfway into my second week of this surreal paradise when the other shoe dropped. I was making pancakes in the kitchen and turned unthinkingly to the table to ask Luke what shape he’d like when I realized he wasn’t there. I angrily tossed the pancakes out the window, scrubbed down the pan and started prepping eggs instead, aware of Ryan’s eyes on me the whole time.

“Want to tell me what that was all about?” He asked.

“No,” I responded immediately, scraping the spatula with more force than necessary along the bottom of the pan.

“Uh huh.” 

I knew I wasn’t going to get away with this behavior, and honestly, I wanted so badly to tell Ryan what was going on even though I had no way to prove I wasn’t a lunatic. So I finished up cooking, dished the food between our plates and sat down with a story in my head and no words with which to tell it. “I’m just so happy.”

“And that makes you hate pancakes?”

“Yes?”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you?”

I let out a sigh. “I really am happy. With you. I love you so much it practically hurts sometimes. I never even realized how much I need you in my life until just now. And I need you so much that it’s… terrifying. I don’t know if I could ever go back to living without you again.” And Ryan didn’t even know the half of it.

Ryan reached his long arms across the table and squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to.”

“Well, then there’s this other part of me. The part of me that knows, just knows, that if I hadn’t kissed you that night after my date with Deb, you and I would have married other people and we’d be happy there, too. Deb and I would have got married and had a kid and he’d be sitting at that table asking me to make the pancakes in the shape of something ridiculous and impossible, like an antelope, just to see what I’d do. And how can I be so happy without that part of me?”

Once again, I had no idea what Ryan saw as he looked across the table and scrutinized me with that particular searching look he got whenever he didn’t know what to make of my latest statement. He came around the table and pulled me into a hug. I clung to his shirt.

“Is this your way of telling me that you got Deb pregnant all those years ago and that you have a son?” Ryan’s tone was mostly joking but there was an edge of genuine curiosity and perhaps fear. “Because I’m not letting you go.”

I almost shook my head but decided to use the opportunity. “What if I did?”

“Then your kid would have two new fathers to care for him and take care of him. Your family is my family.”

He didn’t understand what I was referring to at all, but he was trying so hard to ease my worries that I’d just have to pretend that it worked. I tugged him into a kiss and tried not to feel guilty as our lips met.

=====.o0o.=====

It had been three weeks, six days, twenty hours and seventeen minutes since I’d woken up in this parallel dimension where I lived with Ryan. A large part of me found this whole arrangement to be immensely enjoyable. The company was always pleasant, the conversation always entertaining, and the sex was always fantastic. It was the part of me that was willing to admit that I had always loved Ryan this way, but I’d never allowed myself to dwell on the nature of my powerful feelings for my best friend. It was the part of me that said that craving the warmth of someone’s touch and smile could have been a sign and that the dreams definitely were.

The other part of me said that it was three weeks, six days, twenty-three hours and forty-six minutes since I’d last spoken to my son, and even that had only been a brief telephone call. I felt guilty, but mostly I felt a slow crawl of despair. I was grieving for my son. As the days continued to climb, I wondered if I’d ever see him again. I knew Ryan could tell I was upset about something, but there was no way to explain how I was feeling. Would my last words to him seriously be reminding him to do his homework? And Deb… well, I tried not to think about Deb too much.

After we were finished filming, Ryan took on this chipper demeanor and I knew something was up. And while it became less awkward as time went on to ask him veiled questions, something told me that I really shouldn’t call attention to this specific lack of understanding.

“Aren’t you going to pack?” Ryan asked that afternoon.

“Um,” I responded. 

Ryan gave me a slightly disbelieving and mostly angry look. “You forgot.”

“Well,” I continued.

“I can’t believe it. We’ve been planning this for months.”

“Sorry,” I elaborated.

Ryan left me to it, clearly assuming I’d remembered our previous plans, and it was only a momentary lapse in memory. I found Ryan’s bag already packed next to the bed and carefully perused his selection of clothing before deciding we were probably heading somewhere chilly for a while and packing similar items.

Ryan was still miffed at me that evening, so we ended up sleeping on opposite edges of the bed until we rolled near each other sometime in the middle of the night. The next morning, Ryan hurried us both out the door and to the car far earlier than I wanted to be awake. It was then that Ryan finally relinquished a set of plane tickets for Toronto, and I was clued in on our destination. Why we were going there was still a mystery. Ryan never liked flying, so it must have been something important. And it had to be very soon or Ryan would have insisted we drive. I added in that Ryan was pretty upset that I’d apparently forgotten and came to one conclusion. It was our anniversary.

“I love you.” I stated firmly as I grasped his hand on the plane. “I’m sorry. I really just blanked on the date.”

Ryan melted. The feud was over. “It’s okay.”

“You know, I appreciate you braving the plane.”

Ryan gave a staccato laugh. “It’ll seem so safe after tomorrow. God, how do I let you talk me into these things?”

Uh oh. What exactly were we doing tomorrow? “Because you love me?”

“More than you know.” 

“Tell me how you knew,” I suddenly blurted out before my brain could even process the request.

“Knew what?”

“That you loved me.” I almost cringed at how pathetic that sounded. 

Ryan didn’t seem to mind, though. He squeezed my hand. “I think it was about half-way through our conversation on the merits of wearing a tie to a stand-up gig. I said you could hang yourself with it if things weren’t going your way. You said, and I quote, ‘at least then your act would be entertaining.’ And it was just the way you said it that had me in stitches for the night. That’s when I knew.”

A racked my brain when we had this conversation that I could just vaguely recall. We were talking about stand-up, but when did we ever talk about stand-up except back when we first met. Then I remembered. “That was the first conversation we ever had!” I nearly shouted.

Ryan gave me a victorious smirk and sipped at the drink in front of him before popping open the bag of peanuts like it was some prize. “You don’t have to act all surprised, Col. I told you it was from the beginning before.”

My mind was reeling. Ryan had feelings for me since the day we met? How was that even possible? Why had he kept quiet for so long? I tried to clamp down on my shock; I should have already known this. “I didn’t realize quite… I didn’t think… I mean you waited so long.”

Ryan shrugged. “Yeah, well, I wasn’t going to fuck up something good over something I didn’t want to admit to wanting. You were the first stranger I ever met that didn’t start a conversation with, ‘so how tall are you, anyway?’”

Ryan was edging further into the realm of uncomfortable, so I squeezed his hand before letting it and the topic drop.

It was our anniversary, I found out the following day as Ryan woke me up for sex and settled back beside me afterward with a murmured, “Happy Anniversary.” I was as content as I could ever remember being, but soon I was being dragged out of bed and bustled from the room. It was nearing dawn, and Ryan was full of nervous energy as we drove from our hotel to a small building in a touristy area a couple miles up the road.

It was then that I saw them. Hot air balloons lifting off from the back of the building. I grinned. I’d always wanted to try one of them, and Ryan would be my first choice as a partner, but I was amazed he’d ever agreed to such an outing. I glanced at the tall man by my side who was looking slightly green, and felt some sympathy. “We don’t have to,” I offered.

Ryan shook his head. “No. I know how much you want to do this.”

I couldn’t deny it, so I just smiled appreciatively.

Ryan did okay, even high up in the air and gripping the basket like he might suddenly get pushed out. I think he enjoyed it almost as much as I did. The view of the hilltops at sunrise was incredible, and the chilly morning air felt like I was sucking in a whole new outlook on life. It’s an experience that’s completely worth the load of money we had to fork over, yet indescribable as to what makes it so perfect. There’s a sense of solidity when flying in a plane, a sense of separation between nature and human and a sense of urgency of purpose that doesn’t exist when floating under a balloon. It’s a psychological massage that relaxed me to the core.

Perhaps it was that relaxation that trailed me down from the sky and into the car that caused the accident.

=====.o0o.=====


	6. Home

=====.o0o.=====

When I came awake, Ryan was hovering over me. "Col… Col." He was saying as he rested his hands on my chest. My head hurt, and I wondered how bad the crash had been. I heard other voices floating in the background, presumably the passengers from the other vehicle or perhaps emergency personnel. Had I been out that long?

None of that mattered with Ryan looking perfectly healthy and worried over me. He was okay, and I was alive. What else really mattered? I reached behind his head and dragged him into a kiss. He was oddly resistant didn’t stop me from pulling him down.

"He’s fine," Ryan declared in a put upon tone as he offered me a hand up.

There was a snort above us, and I glanced up to see Drew making a face. When did Drew get there? I grasped the hand and let myself be heaved to my feet. At first I processed that Jeff and Wayne were there as well. Then I processed that we were at the studio filming for  _ Whose Line _ . How had I gotten here? The last thing I remembered was sailing in a balloon above Toronto and then driving back to our hotel.

"He's bleeding," Ryan announced as I looked around. I reached up to feel the back of my head, but Ryan stopped me before I could make contact. I turned around and saw the piano and remembered the incident at the studio a month ago where I'd passed out for a moment. Had I just woken up? There were decisions being made for me about going to the hospital and this time I didn't even want to protest. There was something seriously wrong with my head, I thought.

I glanced down at my ring while I was shuffled into Ryan’s car, the one I hadn’t seen for more than a month. My wedding ring was back to the one I was used to. A quick glance to the left said that Ryan’s was, too.

Had it all been a dream? Part of me felt a certain devastation at the idea, but then I recalled that I could finally talk to Luke again. Everything would be normal. My little vacation with Ryan had been fun, but it was just a dream. It didn’t mean anything. I could call my wife and go home and forget about the strange occurrence entirely.

That’s what I wanted for so long, wasn’t it?

=====.o0o.=====

I half expected Ryan to come in while I was speaking with the doctor again. And if gay marriage were legal in this country, I’m sure he would have pulled the same trick as last time, or rather, in my dream. It was all so confusing. I thought about telling the doctor about my experience but he would certainly take it seriously, and then I would have psych evaluations and who knows what other hurdles before I could resume my normal life.

Ryan didn’t come in. Instead, I was left to convince the doctor that I was fine to go home alone. He didn’t seem thrilled by the idea and said if I didn’t get someone to watch over me, it would be against medical advice to check myself out. At that point, I didn’t even care.

“I called Deb for you,” Ryan said when I returned to the waiting room. “I didn’t want her to catch wind of it some other way and hear some story blown way out of proportion.”

“Thanks.” Ryan really was a good friend and at any other time, I would have worshipped the ground he walked on for having the foresight to keep my wife from the hassle and expense and agony of rushing down to California to see me at the hospital. But the reminder of Deb was less like a relief and more like a slap in the face. The dream had followed me out and into the real world, and I felt guilty for Deb, guilty for Ryan, but mostly guilty that a significant part of me wanted to go back.

Ryan offered to put me up for the evening, but I turned him down. As much as I adored his children, I didn’t want to be in that house any time soon, and I certainly didn’t want to run into Pat until I’d had some time to think. I was even looking forward to having time to process without Ryan around. Ryan, on the other hand, had very different plans. He sighed when I refused to come to his house and instead proceeded to follow me into my hotel room and make himself comfortable.

I frowned at him. “You really don’t need to stay.”

He frowned at me. “I really do need to stay.”

I looked at his relaxed form splayed out on the couch, and all I could think about was pounding him into the mattress. Trying not to flush at the imagery, I turned quickly and headed to the bed, sitting on its surface and concentrating on not thinking about what Ryan looked like when he was gasping out my name. “I’m just going to sleep.”

“Did the doctor say it was okay for you to sleep?”

“Yeah,” I lied, unable to recall much of anything the doctor had said.

“Well, okay,” Ryan consented reluctantly. “I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Thanks.”

Ryan paused at the door. “Did I… upset you or something?”

“What?” I finally braved eye contact with him. “Why would you even think that?”

“Nevermind,” he replied quickly before fleeing the room. I watched him go before flopping back onto my bed.

Wiggling around, I reached for the phone and dialed one of the few numbers I had memorized. If I could just hear her voice, I would feel that familiar sensation of love flow through me, and I could put the dreams about Ryan behind me.

“Hello?” Deb sounded a little crabby, but I could excuse her that. It was, after all, getting late.

“Hey, Honey.” I began.

“Colin!” She exclaimed. “Is everything all right? Ryan called and said there’d been a minor accident, and, well, are you all right?”

I felt the familiar affection for my wife wash over me and sighed into the phone. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just thought I’d call and let you know so you didn’t worry. I just hit my head and then Ryan-” I was about to tell her about the silly dream, but Ryan’s name got caught in my throat, and I found myself unable to admit to having such a dream and unwilling to laugh it off. “Ryan drove me to the hospital, they gave me a clean bill of health, and now I’m back at the hotel. Nothing to worry about. How’s Luke?”

“Just put him to bed.” The conversation went on for several more minutes in an awkward dance that I found myself wanting to end as swiftly as possible. Then, feeling guilty for wanting to avoid my wife, I stayed on far longer than I had any reason to until Deb finally said she needed to get to bed and that she’d call me in the morning.

I rolled back over in bed and tried to sleep, but I found myself comparing the stilted conversation with those I’d had with Ryan and how he’d always managed to make a joke, even when I was injured. Then I cringed, thinking about how I’d compared the two early on in my relationship with Deb, and how my life might have been different if I’d come to another conclusion.

=====.o0o.=====

“You look awful.” Ryan decided when I saw him for the next filming. I had no doubt that he was right. I hadn’t been getting much sleep over the last few days, and I had been fighting the urge to see Ryan. I had to keep reminding myself that it was just a dream, and that it hadn’t meant anything. Only, I wasn’t entirely sure it had been a dream or that it didn’t mean anything. The doctor at the hospital was the same and passed along the same message. And while I’d pin one similarity down to a fluke, Wayne and Drew came and talked with me the morning after the accident, Drew dancing around the subject but still trying to gauge if I’d be in for the next performance. I assured him that I would be, but I was starting to wonder.

“Thanks,” I replied to Ryan. “I pity the make-up artists. Maybe they can just do me up like Mimi.”

Ryan chuckled and wrapped an arm over my shoulders like it belonged there. I found a quick excuse to shrug out of his grip. Ryan frowned but didn’t say anything about it. “You know you don’t have to do this if you’re not up for it.” 

“I’ll be fine.” I waved him off.

“And remember, if you need to stop, we stop.”

Ryan’s words tickled a memory; I could recall him saying the exact thing before I went on after my accident the last time. I wasn’t going to be able to let this go. I wanted to talk to Ryan about it, but I was paralyzed by the same fear that had kept me from admitting the truth to the other Ryan. I wanted proof first, for me and for others.

After a rehearsal which was eerily familiar, even with Brad supplying an entirely different dynamic than Jeff, I spent some time scribbling down everything I could remember from the last time I’d done this shooting, carefully leaving out details related to Jeff as Brad would be the one filming with us today.

First, there was Weird Newscasters where I panicked over the slightest thing, Wayne would be the crocodile hunter from Spain and Ryan would try to kill us all. But that wasn’t good enough because it didn’t really prove anything. So I wrote in more details about how Ryan executed his quirk, even that he used a piano string and poisoned lemonade. Then, I repeated the process for the Award Show for Hillbillies. I couldn’t remember much of If You Know What I Mean, but I could recall most of our conversation from Greatest Hits. I described the props in detail before listing off every joke I could remember.

It took me over an hour to get every idea down, but I did feel better afterwards. The filming would either validate my experience in some other reality or let me move on from it, I was sure. As Ryan and I sat down on stage, I leaned over. “Can I ask you for an odd favor?”

“Sure,” Ryan replied unflinchingly.

“Keep this in your pocket until we’re done filming?”

He looked at me oddly but didn’t bat an eye as he took the folded pieces of paper and stuffed them into his back pocket where he promptly forgot about them. I, on the other hand, could not. Particularly after we’d run through a nearly identical set of Weird Newscasters. It was almost surreal, watching the games go by as if on a rerun of your favorite show. Déjà vu didn’t begin to cut it. I wasn’t just remembering things as if they’d happened before; I was predicting things before they occurred.

Ryan, of course, picked up on it and asked me if I was doing okay. I assured him that I was, but my world was crashing down around me. I hadn’t been dreaming. I had been through this before in some other version of my life. I had really had sex with Ryan. This changed everything.

When we were finally done with filming and getting ready to leave, I contemplated whether or not I should go through with telling Ryan. My motivations were mixed and my thoughts in turmoil, but I knew that everything would be better if Ryan believed me. And he already had the proof, so I was on much better footing than previously.

“The guys are going out for a couple. You in?”

I shook my head, then changed my mind and nodded at Ryan’s suggestion. The truth might be a little easier to swallow with some alcohol to wash it down. What I hadn’t counted on was being surrounded by our coworkers for a couple hours before I could have Ryan to myself. The phrasing sparked a memory of the last time I’d had Ryan to myself, and I couldn’t stop the blush from appearing on my cheeks, particularly when the table cleared, and Ryan and I were left alone.

“So, what’s with you today, anyway?” He asked vaguely, trusting that I would understand what he meant. I did, but I wasn’t prepared to admit it.

“Still have those papers?” 

“Oh yeah,” he acknowledged, “I was going to give them back to you after the show, but…” He trailed off, digging the folded mass of papers from his pocket and setting them on the table between us. “I don’t suppose I get to read it now, do I?”

I shrugged, feeling butterflies swirl in my stomach. “Go for it.”

Ryan spread them out and skimmed them first before starting to read more carefully. He looked up at me after only a few seconds, confusion evident on his face. “But you gave me this before we started. You read the prompts. Why?”

“I didn’t read the prompts,” I contradicted. “Traveling Salesman was an audience suggestion. How could I have gotten that from the prompts? Or known what you were going to do with it?”

Ryan opened his mouth to argue, but decided to read the notes thoroughly before making his case. I knew he was rereading the section on Greatest Hits and all his blues related comments. “Okay,” He finally said slowly, “I’ll bite. How did you do this?”

I sucked in a breath, then blew it out slowly. It was now or never. To tell Ryan the truth or keep the insanity to myself. There was no competition, though. I couldn’t live in silence a moment longer. “When I hit my head against the piano, I woke up and everything was just slightly different. I already lived through this filming. I knew what was going to happen because I’d already done it.”

“Maybe I had more to drink than I thought.” Ryan responded absently, inspecting his cup like it might have been spiked at some point. “So, what? You’re stuck in Groundhog Day?”

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head, deciding Ryan’s snarky tone was fair because it really was a lot to take in. “It’s only repeated once and… things were different before.”

“What kind of things?” Ryan asked, still looking at me like he expected me to drop the punchline at some point.

“Just little things. Jeff was filming with us, not Brad. Your car was different. You know, just different.” I quickly abandoned any ideas I’d been harboring about telling him about us. This was going to be hard enough to buy without complications.

“Col, it was just a dream,” Ryan said gently, recognizing that I was serious about this. “Things seem more similar than they were because your mind is filling in the gaps.”

“Ryan, look in front of you and tell me that that kind of accuracy is just a dream.” Ryan examined the notes again. I could tell he was conflicted about believing in some supernatural occurrence. I couldn’t blame him. I could hardly believe it, and I’d lived through it. “I told you because you’re the only person I know will believe me.”

It wasn’t that Ryan was into paranormal experiences, because he wasn’t. It was that Ryan believed in me, trusted me implicitly, and would always hear me out. Ryan seemed to get the message loud and clear. “God, Col, if it were anyone else telling me this….” He trailed off, and I smiled. That was the sign; he was going to take it on faith that I’d experienced something out of a scifi novel and that I wasn’t crazy or making things up.

“Then you’d be recommending shrinks.”

“I still might.” He continued casually sipping at his beer, but I knew he was lying. He had my back. “Now, tell me more about his experience you had and why you thought it was a good idea to kiss me afterward.”

=====.o0o.=====


	7. Confessions

=====.o0o.=====

I told Ryan the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I had every intention of lying to him when I opened my mouth. I was good at improvisation, and I’d already come up with three somewhat reasonable explanations by the time he’d finished asking his question. But in the end, the truth spilled out like a tipped oil tanker, spreading its gooey, clingy substance over the two of us.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Ryan stated when I had finished. “It was just a dream.”

“It was more than that, and you know it,” I whispered, afraid of my own words. Ryan as my husband had told me that he’d loved me since the beginning. This Ryan must have felt something.

Ryan sighed and finished off his drink in a few large gulps. I’d broken the rules; you weren’t supposed to talk about things like this with your married best friend. “All it means is that once upon a time, if you had made a move, I would have followed you. All it means is that things could have been different. But we have children, wives and children.”

It took me a while to process what Ryan was saying. Didn’t he know that was the wrong answer? I let Ryan leave, knowing that the next time we saw each other, we wouldn’t mention this conversation and everything could go back to normal. 

I sat thinking for long after I was done drinking. Ryan’s answer had been clear: he wasn’t prepared to take our relationship in that direction. But he’d said plenty more than that in the span of a few short minutes, and I’m not sure he understood the implications of his own words. First, he’d admitted that he’d wanted that kind of relationship with me, and by holding up his wives and children instead of his own feelings, it was clear to me that he still wanted that but wasn’t willing to make the trade. I couldn’t blame him; I wouldn’t give up Luke for him. And secondly, he’d unconsciously agreed that my experience was something more than a dream. The thought brought to the forefront of my mind that if I accepted that what had transpired in the other place was real, then I had to accept that I had cheated on Deb repeatedly and enjoyed it immensely. It was something I would have to own up to.

Other than that, nothing really came of my conversation with Ryan. We joked about it from time to time, but always light-hearted and never when anyone else could hear us. By the time filming ended for the season, I wondered if Ryan even remembered. Me, I thought about my experience every time Ryan touched me and every time I spoke to Deb. It was tearing me apart.

By the time I returned home, I was strung tight as I tried to come up with the proper way to tell someone that you’ve broken your vows. That evening, before I could say anything at all, Deb called me out on it. “You look guilty. Something you want to tell me?”

It wasn’t the friendliest welcome home, but I was thankful I wouldn’t have to face a sweet welcome that would make me feel even worse. “Yes.”

“Well?”

I half-suspected that she already knew and that this was part of the punishment. She must have known; she’d seen it in my face and heard it in my voice every time I called. “I had an affair.” It was such a simple word, pretty even, but it brought devastation to Deb’s face that made me feel like the scum of the Earth.

“Once?” Deb’s voice was tight, her lips drawn into a thin line. I could tell it was her last hope, but I could do nothing more than shake my head. “With whom?” She seethed.

If possible, I felt even worse. “I can’t tell you that.” 

“Get out,” Deb stated very clearly.

I hadn’t unpacked, knowing that I would have to have that conversation, and I’d likely be kicked out. I grabbed my bag, checked in on a sleeping Luke and found a hotel for the night.

One night turned into five, and I debated going somewhere else for a while. Ryan’s house immediately came to mind, but I scrubbed the idea as soon as it appeared. Deb had yet to call, and she didn’t answer the messages I left for her.

Luke called me three times, and I had to explain that I’d done something that wasn’t nice and that his mother needed some time to calm down and think before I could come back to the house. I took him to lunch.

Finally, Deb let me into the house. I sat on the couch as she paced back and forth in front of me, Luke was nowhere to be seen, probably at a friend’s house specifically for this conversation. “I’m really pissed at you,” she began. “I mean, we’ve always been upfront with each other, that’s what makes us so great. Made.” I wanted to confess the truth, but I let her go on. “I still love you, will go on loving you. I don’t want a divorce, but I need to know a few things first.”

I nodded my head. This was more than I had hoped.

“Do you still love me? Still want to be with me?”

“Yes,” I said promptly. Whatever I had felt for Ryan, this was my life, and I didn’t want to give it up.

“Is it over?”

“Yes.”

“Do you regret it?”

I opened my mouth, but the words I needed seemed to have taken a vacation. Did I regret my time with Ryan? No. It was the best month of my life, if I was being honest, but I couldn’t tell that to Deb. “I regret hurting you.”

“But you still love her,” Deb stated, confident she’d come to the right conclusion. “God, I knew it couldn’t just be a fling with you.”

I stared at my hands. I’d already blown it. “I’m sorry.”

“Just tell me the truth. Who is she? I deserve that much.”

“He,” I whispered.

“What?” Deb looked at me in genuine surprise. “You slept with a man?” I didn’t deny it and that was all the confirmation she needed. She sat down heavily next to me and let out a breath of air. “Are you gay?”

“I don’t think so.” I wished I could say yes. That would make it easier for her to accept, easier for me as well.

We sat in silence for a lot longer than would have been comfortable had we not been fighting and eons for the fact that we were fighting. I’m not sure what she was considering, but I was considering whether or not I was gay. I hadn’t spent nearly as much time on that question as you would think.

“Was it Ryan?” She finally asked. I blanched. How had she arrived at that conclusion so quickly? I suppose, though, anyone who knew me knew I didn’t sleep with guys. If I were to sleep with one, though, anyone who knew me would probably figure it was Ryan. I’d never intended to drag him into this mess; I just wanted to confess. “I suppose that makes sense.”

“Please don’t tell Pat,” I begged. God, this whole situation was so fucked up. I couldn’t even explain that Ryan hadn’t done anything wrong.

Deb sighed. “I can’t promise that. It’s just not fair. But I can give you some time to do right by her, too.”

“It’s over,” I assured her. “It’s never going to happen again.”

She looked at me. “You really believe that, don’t you?” Shaking her head, Deb sighed again. “You can stay here until you find a place.”

It never even occurred to me to tell her about travelling to some alternate dimension where we weren’t married. I knew she wouldn’t believe me.

I thought about calling Ryan but decided against it. Deb wouldn’t break my confidence without giving me the promised opportunity and maybe I’d have enough time to come up with a solution. I didn’t know Pat half as well I should after all these years, but I knew that she wasn’t as forgiving as Deb was. If she thought Ryan was cheating on her, then he might be in serious jeopardy of losing contact with his kids.

So, I kept quiet about the divorce and moved into my own place in Toronto, piece by piece, and Deb and I worked out a schedule where I could visit with Luke. 

Deb was pretty amazing about the situation, all things considered. She refused to be second-best in my life and turned me down with every attempt I made a reconciliation, but she was still cordial with me, and didn’t try to lay any road blocks in the way of a father-son relationship. She didn’t prepare divorce papers right away, either, which gave me some hope that things could go back to normal, and we could be a family again.

After six months, I pushed the issue and demanded to know if there was still a shot between us. “You haven’t given me any divorce papers,” I pointed out after dropping Luke off and watching him head up the stairs.

“Don’t read too much into it,” she said bitterly. “I’m just trying to look out for Luke and our careers. It’s easier for us to stay married, for now. But if you want to go through with it-”

“No,” I replied urgently. “I just want for things to go back to the way they were.”

“It’s too late for that,” Deb declared. “You crossed a line.”

“It’s over,” I repeated, “for good.”

“Were you the one to end it?”

“It… became clear that we couldn’t continue. It was more mutual.”

“Colin, you slept with him more than once, so it wasn’t a one-time goof or a bad experience. You didn’t want to end it, and you still love him. I can’t take you back because I respect myself too much to be in a relationship where I’m waiting for you to slip up again. I just won’t do it.”

And that was the end of my marriage.

=====.o0o.=====

It was an annual tradition to have a get-together with Ryan and his family at least once a year. Usually the date was selected and scheduled at the end of the previous year, and we never really discussed it again unless we needed to reschedule. Ryan and I went out of our way not to reschedule. By the time our selected date came around, I still hadn’t braved Ryan, and I still hadn’t had success in convincing Deb not to tell Pat. Finally, I tried to convince Deb not to come to the party, but she was good friends with Pat, and it was like asking me not to see Ryan. I tried one final time at the airport, knowing that once Deb laid eyes on Pat, it was all over. 

It was the same warm greeting as we’d always had, but I could tell by the way Ryan’s eyes lingered on me that he knew something was up. Luke took off with Sam and Mack for the pool, barely acknowledging Deb’s instructions. For my part, I clung to Deb like a second skin, hoping to somehow stop the catastrophe before it happened.

Deb noticed, of course, and finally turned and hissed at me, “You’ve had months to tell her, and you chose not to. She’s my friend and she deserves better than this. Now, I’m going to go in there and tell her the truth. You can come or stay here, but you’re not going to stop me.”

What else could I do? I let her go and searched for Ryan, so I could at least give him some warning. It was getting dark and the kids had moved into the living room for some board games. I quickly told them to put down some towels before they got all the furniture drenched, then continued in my search. I couldn’t find him anywhere, but his car was in the driveway, which meant he must be in that room with Deb and Pat. Shit.

I stole some cigarettes from Ryan’s coat pocket and sat by the pool, cursing myself over and over. Deb reappeared after a while and put the children to bed, pasting a smile on her face like the classy actress she was and letting me know she was going to bed. She looked almost sympathetic. I tried to put myself in her shoes, knowing what she knew, and decided I probably would have done the same. It didn’t make me any less angry.

I tried to imagine what kind of conversation Ryan and Pat were having right now. He could deny the accusation, of course, but neither woman was likely to believe that I’d lied about having an affair with him and brought all this trouble down upon myself for nothing. He could tell the truth about my strange experience, but they weren’t any more likely to believe that. I hadn’t left him any good cards to play.

When Ryan did appear on the deck of the pool, I hoped he wouldn’t even see me, cast in shadow as I was. He looked furious, and I completely deserved it. I almost expected him to punch me, but instead he gripped my shoulders tightly and brought his lips against mine. There was a slight hesitance before he kissed me, but then it was gone. He was kissing me for all he was worth, exploring every crevice of my mouth with movements of his tongue that should be illegal. I immediately responded, missing the warmth, the taste, the feel of him against me. I certainly hadn’t been getting much attention recently, and my pants tented with the reminder of what could come from this.

Ryan shifted and suddenly sat on top of me without even breaking the kiss, reminding me of the way he’d crawled on top of me for sex and sending me spiraling into desire. He was moaning quietly, a desperate sound low in his throat, and I supposed he’d been waiting twenty years to kiss me like this. His hands were everywhere, stroking my chest and slipping under my shirt to rub the hair that resided there. I brought mine up to his slender waist, torn between dragging him closer and pushing him away.

Maybe I was dreaming again?

I finally broke the kiss, turning slightly, and Ryan began attacking my neck instead. I didn’t want it to end, but there was no way I was going to continue much further in plain view of Ryan’s house after Deb had just told Pat we were sleeping together.

“What are you doing?” I managed to get out, clinging to my coherency.

“I’m fucking kissing you.” Ryan growled, “What does it look like?”

“Yeah, but…” I gasped as Ryan went for my crotch, my dick already swollen beneath his hand. “Why?”

“Well, if I’m going to be punished for fucking you, I intend to at least get to fuck you.”

“Ryan, stop!” I demanded.

He pulled back, folding his arms over his chest like a toddler and glaring down at me. “Why the hell did you tell Deb we were sleeping together?”

“I told her I’d had an affair. I thought she had the right to know.” I scrubbed at my face with my hands, mostly as an excuse not to touch Ryan as he was splayed in front of me. “She figured out that it was with you.”

“It wasn’t with me. I’ve never slept with you.”

“I couldn’t exactly explain the whole alternate reality thing. You don’t even believe me, and I gave you proof.”

Ryan finally got off of me. He leaned back over, and I thought he might kiss me again, but he just took one of his cigarettes and lit it up. “I couldn’t say a damn thing in there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You really blind-sided me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I wanted to punch you.” He paused. “I still might.”

“I wouldn’t stop you.”

“But then I realized that you were just trying to do the right thing in your own noble, self-sacrificing way. And, you know, that’s why I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The words sounded loud in the stillness of the night and seemed to startle Ryan, like he just realized what he’d said. He sighed but made no effort to backtrack, finishing off his cigarette in silence. “I could try and explain what actually happened,” I offered.

Ryan snorted and sat down beside me. “You’re right; they wouldn’t believe us.”

My heart fluttered from the way he said ‘us’. We were a team, as always. “What we just did was really stupid. I told Deb we were over.”

“Fat lot of good that did,” Ryan grumbled.

“Ryan, go back to Pat,” I said, swallowing hard at the words. “Tell her you’re sorry, that it was a mistake, whatever the hell it takes to get her to take you back.”

“Deb said the two of you were getting a divorce.” I nodded. “You didn’t say anything.”

“I wanted to fix this. I don’t want to divorce, but Deb… she doesn’t believe I can… stay away from you.”

“Can you?”

“Yes,” I lied. “I’ll quit the show if it’ll do you any good.”

“You’re right,” he acknowledged, standing up. “I’m going to go grovel. Don’t quit the show, though. I think I might…” Whatever Ryan had intended to say, he aborted last minute and walked away, back to his wife. It hurt to see him go, knowing that he was going back to her, even if I had been the one to insist that he do so.

I didn’t see him in the morning and left without even a goodbye. I felt a little sick.

=====.o0o.=====


	8. Pushing the Envelope

=====.o0o.=====

The weeks that led up to filming the following season of  _ Whose Line _ were torture. Ryan didn’t call, which wasn’t abnormal but damned annoying. I didn’t call either, because there was always the possibility that Pat would pick up, and I was pretty sure she not only didn’t want to hear from me, but might throw a party if I died in the next couple weeks.

Ryan had probably succeeded in patching their relationship back together; otherwise, I’d like to think he’d be with me. It didn’t help the nerves about what things would be like when we saw each other again. There was no denying the attraction anymore, but Ryan had chosen his family over me.

I arrived early at the studio half expecting to be told I wasn’t performing with  _ Whose Line _ anymore but no such greeting came. Ryan arrived at the very last second and had to hurry through his routine, so I didn’t get to talk to him in private before the show started. He might have planned it that way.

Ryan looked tense and my mind yearned to know what had transpired between him and his wife. He was still wearing his ring, so that was promising, but then again, I was still wearing my ring and that wasn’t promising at all.

On stage, not a thing was different between us. We were still friendly banter, wide smiles and genuine affection. Our sketches were spot-on, and Ryan was still making the playful jokes about us sleeping together as if not one iota had changed since the last filming. Following his lead, it was easy to slip back into our normal routine.

Off stage, on the other hand, Ryan made a point to never be alone with me. He spent more time in the communal areas with Wayne and Drew, dragged someone else into our every conversation and took off early after the show. I hadn’t had one conversation that wasn’t being filmed or observed with him in months.

It took about two weeks for me to get very sick of this behavior. Pat wasn’t there and unless she had some spy in the studio, we had a bit of a safe haven here. This was my only time with my best friend and, despite what I’d said, there was no way I was going to stay away from him.

“So what did you tell Pat?” I finally asked as we were sitting in the green room with Wayne who had just finished retelling the inappropriate jokes he had decided against using for Scenes from a Hat. It was a complete non-sequitur for the two of them, but I’d been thinking about it all day.

Ryan played innocent, but I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what I was talking about. “Tell Pat about what?”

“The incident at your pool party?”

Ryan looked me over, trying to decide if I would carry on this conversation in front of Wayne. At this point, I didn’t really care if Wayne thought we were sleeping together, but I was pretty sure that Ryan did. He stood up. “It’s a long story, and I’ve got to change.”

Most people wouldn’t have seen that as an invitation, but I wasn’t most people. I followed him to his dressing room and watched as he self-consciously proceeded to strip in front of me and pull on a different outfit. “At least tell me what happened.”

He sighed. “I told her that we were drunk and lonely and curious. I said it was an accident that sort of turned into something more. I said I’d never really had sex with you, so I thought we could just forget about it. I told her that what we did do, it wasn’t very good. I said we got carried away, but it was over now. I told her all sorts of things, just hoping something would stick. And you know, maybe she just wanted to believe it so badly that she did. Of course, you’re the devil that seduced me in her mind, so she doesn’t want me spending any more time with you than strictly necessary.”

“Well, that’s… good,” I said in a stilting manner, wishing that Deb had been willing to listen to me like that or maybe that Ryan hadn’t. “Is that why you’re avoiding me?”

Ryan shrugged. “It’s difficult being around you right now.”

Maybe it wasn’t a victory I could enjoy, but it was a victory nonetheless.

=====.o0o.=====

Over the next few weeks, I got a thrill out of taunting Ryan on stage and off. I doubted anyone else would notice the shift with the way we normally played up the homosexual subtext, but I knew that Ryan had spotted the difference. I’d press just a little closer in Helping Hands, shoving my fingers just a little further into his mouth. I’d kiss him a little longer in games like Let’s Make a Date, making the contact that I’d spared Wayne from. I’d pile on the innuendos into every skit and then pretend like I didn’t know what I was doing when he’d call me on it. If he’d asked me what the hell I was doing, I wouldn’t have been able to give him a good answer. All I knew was that he was driving me crazy, and I didn’t feel entirely in control of myself anymore.

I kept expecting Ryan to say something about it. Every time I pushed the envelope, I was waiting for the backlash, but Ryan was resilient. Maybe he enjoyed it as much as I did. And every time he refrained from speaking up, I found myself eager to push a little bit more.

That was how I found myself openly groping Ryan on stage under the pretext of a game of Party Quirks. When I’d read the card, I immediately decided that the most humorous route to go was the feel people up in order to determine their true sex. Kathy got off easy as I wasn’t too familiar with her and didn’t really want to get sued for sexual harassment. Wayne was so ticklish that I barely touched him before he’d be in hysterics. Ryan got the worst of it, and not just because I was intent on getting a rise out of him. He then proceeded to spend most of his attention at keeping away from me and guarding his privates. He was so preoccupied with this game of keep away that he nearly forgot his own quirk, and could barely keep a straight face throughout. Hell, I was known for my straight man routine, and I could barely keep the smile from emerging.

Ryan played it off in the funny manner he always managed, jokingly requesting two minutes’ break and strategically crossing his legs. He gave me a look that was a cross between bemused and agitated, but he didn’t appear anything short of composed when he stood not a minute later to do the next scene.

As with any joke that was particularly funny, Ryan couldn’t help but reference it in the next scene and earn those easy laughs. “I can’t think straight since you grabbed my penis,” Ryan sang out without an ounce of remorse, and I nearly choked. Kathy was snickering and Wayne was nearly folded in two from laughter. Me, I wondered how much truth there was to the statement.

I found out not ten minutes after filming when I went to change. Ryan followed me, which wasn’t all that unexpected or unusual. “You can’t keep pushing things on stage like that,” he stated as soon as the door was closed.

“What do you mean?” I asked, slipping off my shirt and reveling in the fact that Ryan was following my every movement.

“The touching, the kissing, the groping… you can’t do that stuff anymore.”

I looked at him innocently. “Why not?”

“Because you’re driving me crazy.”

I slipped off my belt. “I am?”

Ryan pinched his lips into a straight line, but he definitely wasn’t looking at my face anymore. His eyes were completely focused on my hands working at my pants. I knew once they came down, there could be no more playing this off as nothing. I was already hard just from the hungry look in his eyes and the way he’d completely lost track of our conversation. I gave up undressing, pants still open but resting on my hips, and crossed the space between us.

I kissed him hard, tugging his head down towards mine and slipping my fingers into his hair. He tasted like breath mints and a hint of cigarettes, like he always did, and responded instantly to my touch. I worked my tongue into his mouth and ran it along his teeth before rubbing it against his tongue. He let out a whimper.

I tugged him toward me and then shifted so his back was to the couch before guiding him onto it. Once he felt the soft cushions beneath his back, he broke the kiss.

“Col, we can’t do this,” he whispered. I could feel his heart hammering in his chest as I pressed down against him and stole another kiss. Ryan didn’t resist as I unbuttoned his shirt and pinched at his nipples. He didn’t resist as I undid his pants and slipped out his cock, holding it in the same firm grip I’d used on stage and feeling it swell even more. There weren’t any cameras on us now.

“Tell me to stop,” I said, rubbing him up and down with sure strokes that I knew would make him melt. “Tell me to stop, and I’ll stop.”

No such instruction came, so I took Ryan into my mouth and showed him all the practice I’d gotten already at pleasuring him. He was biting his lip in an effort not to make too much noise, and I could think of nothing sexier. I worked on removing his pants, and he lifted his hips to make it easier. His boxers followed suit, and I immediately used my new access to massage his balls. He groaned, jerking up with his hips. I had to hold him so I wouldn’t choke.

I knew he was close, but I wanted to make it last, so I drew away and ignored his whimpers of protest. “God, Col,” he exclaimed, “want to fuck you.”

“Yeah, we could do that,” I conceded, surprised at my own willingness to let another man take me, but I knew Ryan preferred to bottom when we were together, and my dick craved the feeling of being squeezed inside of him again. “Or I could fuck you.”

Ryan’s body froze, but his dick jumped in my hand, and I knew he was considering the possibility.

“I know you’ve thought about it,” I murmured, letting the heat of my breath wash over him and tightening my hold on his hips. The Ryan I’d been with, he loved displays of strength, loved giving up control to me. “And I happen to know that you’ll love it.”

“You fucked him? The other me?” Ryan asked, clearly aroused and disturbed by the idea. “As in your dick up his…my ass?”

“Yes,” I answered honestly.

“Show me,” Ryan demanded.

I quickly hunted for some lubricant and finally made due with sunscreen. I pulled my dick from my underwear and slathered the lotion on myself, feeling Ryan’s eyes on me the whole time. Then, I moved back to the couch. Ryan spread his legs wide, and I sat between them. My whole body felt like it was on fire as I thought about what was to come.

I leaned over and kissed Ryan soundly on the lips as I worked my first finger into his ass. He was resistant at first, and I had to remind him a dozen times to relax. I started to think this wouldn’t work at all when I landed on a hard bump inside him, and Ryan jerked his hips. “Fuck!” He exclaimed. “Do that again.”

So I did, and Ryan relaxed a great deal. Soon I was sliding three slippery fingers in and out of his hole, stretching him out and rubbing against the spot that made him go wild.

“Just fucking do it already,” he growled at me, clearly not impressed by my gentleness.

I licked my lips and positioned myself at his entrance, gripping his splayed legs for leverage. “You ready?”

“Fuck,” was the only response I got, so I began to press into him. It was harder than I remembered, and Ryan struggled not to clench down around me, but once the head was in, the rest slid into him smoothly. Ryan gasped and shuddered.

Most of me wanted to pound into him with abandon, but I resisted the urge and started up at a slow pace. Ryan was gasping and pushing back at me and begging for me to go harder and deeper, and I very quickly lost all control. I plunged in and out of the tight body below me over and over again, and the thought that this was Ryan I was fucking made me nearly topple over the edge.

Ryan came first, spraying over our stomachs and dragging in desperate breaths. His ass tightened incredibly when he did, and it felt like he was squeezing the semen out of me. I all but collapsed on top of him when I was finished, and we lay panting for several minutes.

We didn’t say much as we got dressed and put ourselves back in order. We both knew that everything had changed. Ryan kissed me hard after checking himself out in the mirror and turned to leave. He chuckled when he got to the door.

“It was unlocked this whole time. Imagine if someone had come in.” He looked at me and that mischievous sparkle was back in his eyes and any thoughts that I had ruined things between us faded.

Impulsively, I kissed him once more. “Then we would have given them quite a show.”

“We can’t do this again,” Ryan said, and I knew he meant it, just as I meant it when I told him that I agreed. But Deb was right; I couldn’t stay away from him.

=====.o0o.=====

It was the start of something uncontrollable. Being apart from him was torture, but being together without touching was suddenly a hundred times worse. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, the feel of his skin, the warmth of his touch, the tightness of his body. It was like an addiction that I couldn’t stop feeding once we’d started. It was worse than being with Ryan in that other reality because this Ryan was behaving like an infatuated teenager, and we were discovering things together, like the exciting beginning to a new relationship.

We tried to stop. Each encounter would start with assurances that we’d just talk and end with promises that we’d never cross that line again, but it was like promising just one more drink to an alcoholic. And even though we were cheating on Pat and lying to Deb, I could never bring myself to feel like it was wrong to be with Ryan. When I was with him, it was like everything had clicked back into place, and I was where I was meant to be. It was sappy and if I’d brought it up to Ryan, it’d be a toss-up between whether he’d laugh or admit to feeling the same, but I knew that was how he felt anyway.

It went on for over a year. For all of our attempts at discretion, I’m reasonably sure both Pat and Deb knew about us. Deb distanced herself further and further, and Pat, she kept pretending like she didn’t see the signs. I was okay with that, really. I didn’t see a happy future in store for me and Ryan, but I did see a happy present.

Like all fairy-tales, though, our relationship came to an end and it all evaporated with two words. “Pat’s pregnant.”

“Congratulations?” I tried, already knowing where this conversation was going to lead.

“I’m sorry, Col.” Ryan said with complete sincerity before turning his back on me.

=====.o0o.=====


	9. Quitting

=====.o0o.=====

Part of me hoped that this wouldn’t change anything. After all, Ryan already had kids, and it hadn’t stopped us from being together. Most of me knew that things weren’t going to be the same between us again. It was more than just a reminder that he had other obligations; it was an awakening to the sharp edge of the sword he’d been balancing on.

I wondered if Pat had gotten pregnant on purpose, just to try and drag Ryan back to her side. I sort of hated her now, too.

Time went on, and things changed. The affair came to a screeching halt, stealing away all the joy that had accompanied it. The fluttering in my chest kept making an appearance every time I thought about him, but I no longer had the same experiences to look forward to. It was back to normal, boring life, sans my wife. I think I could have handled it if it hadn’t taken our friendship with it. Ryan stopped spending any time with me at all. He said it was because he had to take care of Pat, but we both knew that he was afraid of giving into temptation. No more impromptu visits, no more late night rendezvous, no more insane plans to steal an hour together without getting caught.

“For what it’s worth,” Deb said while Luke was packing for another visit with me, “I am sorry about the way things turned out.”

“You wanted to try again?” I asked, wondering if that was something I could do. Without Ryan, Deb was definitely my first choice.

Deb shook her head. “Not us. I think things are exactly where they need to be between us. Between you and Ryan.”

“How did you…?”

“Oh, come on, Colin. I know you too well to have missed the signs. And I just thought… I thought maybe I’d done the wrong thing telling Pat. I’d never seen you or Ryan as happy as you were when you were together. And I’ve never seen you or him as sad as you are now that you’ve called it quits. And I’m sorry because I really do think you two belong together.”

I shrugged, trying to pretend like I didn’t care, but I wasn’t that good of an actor. I wondered if it was obvious to everyone else how badly I needed Ryan in my life. “It doesn’t matter. He’s made up his mind. All I’ve done is nearly destroyed his marriage.”

“Colin, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once. His marriage was doomed from the moment he laid eyes on you.” Deb straightened her pose and jutted her jaw out, and it occurred to me how difficult this conversation must be for her. I bit my lip, feeling like trash for what I’d put her through. “I thought telling Pat was the right thing to do, to do right by her. And maybe it was, but I wasn’t doing right by Ryan. He loves you, and he needs you in his life. The sooner Pat accepts that, the happier everyone can be. I don’t like that I have to start over at this point in my life, but it’s a hell of a lot better now than later.”

“If it were just Pat, I’d be over there trying to kidnap him right now,” I confessed. “But it’s not. How can I tear him apart from his kids?”

“Why don’t you talk to Luke about that one?”

As if on cue, or maybe he’d been standing there for some time, Luke inched around the corner with a bag under his arm. “Can we go now?” 

Deb gave him a kiss and sent him on his way. I gave Deb a kiss on the cheek, eternally grateful for the woman I’d married. She’d given me Luke, and she’d never keep him from me. She respected herself to make proper boundaries, and she loved me enough to help me move on.

I opened the door to the car, and Luke crawled inside. After double checking his seatbelt, we were on our way. “Can I invite Bobby over for a sleepover?”

“Maybe tomorrow, after we talk to his parents.”

“Can we get ice cream tonight?”

“I’m not falling for that one again. You’ve already had dessert.”

“Awww. How about a movie?”

“All right. We can stop and pick one up on the way.” Luke made signs like he’d majorly scored, and I made a note to keep a close eye on what movie he picked out. “Hey, Luke, are you happy with how things are?”

“Ugh, not you, too! Mom asks me that like once a week.”

“Well, what do you tell her?” I prodded.

“It was kind of weird at first, but now I think it’s kind of awesome because I get two of everything, and I get to spend so much time with just you or mom. And like you seem happier, so that’s nice. Mom said that you guys would wait as long I wanted before you got a divorce, but I hate that you’d stay together just for me. It’s like… I don’t care as long as I can see you both.” I ruffled his hair in a way I knew he didn’t like, but I always found exceptionally comforting. I had one awesome kid. “Hey, cut it out!”

“I’m just saying I love you.” I grinned back at him.

“So are you like with someone else now? Mom kind of said that might happen.”

“Not really.”

“Is it Uncle Ryan?”

I nearly slammed on the breaks, but swallowed hard and kept a steady voice. “What makes you say that?” Jesus, who else knew about my infatuation with Ryan before I did?

“Well, besides me and mom and grandma, he’s the only one you say ‘I love you’ to.”

I always knew I had a smart kid. I debated the best response, but decided that honesty had always worked best with Luke. “Yeah, but things aren’t going so well right now, so let’s keep it our secret for now.”

“Yeah, okay.” Luke agreed before going on to talk about some new game that was out.

I paid half an ear while I concentrated on the road. I didn’t know what it was going to be like, but I knew that I couldn’t give up on Ryan.

=====.o0o.=====

I hadn’t seen Ryan in such a long time it felt like a physical pain. The first contact I had from him in months was a negotiation over contract hours for  _ Whose Line _ . Our agents were discussing putting us on alternating tapings so we’d never be on at the same time. Ostensibly, it was to get more fresh faces into the mix, but I knew this had come from Ryan. We’d never be at the studio at the same time. We’d never have to see each other in person.

I put up such an extraordinary fuss over the arrangement that when I next heard back, Ryan was pulling out of  _ Whose Line _ altogether and supporting me keeping a permanent seat. I wanted to cry. I told my agent in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be on with Ryan or not at all. I didn’t hear back for a long time.

Pat had her baby in January. I was not welcome, but Deb went and that meant more time with Luke, so I guess everyone was happy. Except Ryan, according to Deb when she came back. “Col, he’s miserable.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want me around him.”

“Figure something out.”

Later that same day, Drew called me furious. “You’re both dropping out of  _ Whose Line _ ?” He asked incredulously. “You’ll kill the show. Completely murder it.”

“I just don’t think I can be funny without Ryan,” I admitted entirely unintentionally. Once the words were out, I realized that they were true. It wasn’t just about seeing Ryan, I needed him.

“Well, why’s Ryan trying so hard to leave then?”

“He doesn’t want to work with me anymore,” I said, perhaps more bitterly than I should have.

“What? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!” Drew shouted. I pulled the phone away from my ear. It probably wasn’t fair to put the blame on Ryan’s shoulders. The least I could do was try to relieve the burden of masking our affair, but I just couldn’t find it inside myself to care anymore. If Ryan wanted to keep it a secret, I’d respect that, but he’d have to come up with the lies. I’d just as soon put it in skywriting. 

“Ask him yourself.”

“I’ve tried,” Drew rebutted. “He won’t answer any of my calls.” Drew sighed. “Come on man, give me something to work on here. You wouldn’t just end a 20 year friendship over nothing.”

I debated just telling Drew the truth and asking him to keep quiet about it, but I knew that Ryan wouldn’t want that. “Drew, I can’t.”

“Fine. At least come to my place next weekend. The guys will be there, and none of them will even consider taking your place unless they hear it from you. Not that I asked. Dan did.”

I sighed, realizing that this was something Drew was going to pester me over until I caved. Just go in, have a few drinks, say some goodbyes and get out. A couple hours. I could do a couple hours.

=====.o0o.=====

I couldn’t do a couple hours. Brad and Chip both slapped me on the back and said they were sorry to see me go. Wayne looked like a kicked puppy, well aware that the show could tank, and he’d lose his job, but he was too classy to mention it. Greg demanded answers in a completely non-subtle manner. Jeff asked politely if I might just reconsider. All of this, I’d expected.

I hadn’t expected Ryan to be there, and he obviously hadn’t expected me to be there. From the expression on his face, I was pretty sure Drew had outright lied and said I wouldn’t be there. Still, Ryan handled it with the same professionalism I’d come to expect from him. 

“To get straight to the point, I can’t be part of the show any longer, and I don’t feel comfortable discussing why,” Ryan stated once everyone had settled in the spacious living room with a beer. I was surprised that he was still insisting on leaving. Technically, only one of us would have to. What was he playing at? “But as I’ve come to know you all better, I would be honored if any one of you took my place.”

Ryan obviously felt like he’d upheld his part of the bargain and made a beeline for the door immediately. No one tried to stop him. Once he was safely outside the building, all eyes turned on me as if I would have some magical answers and be willing to clear everything up. I looked back and forth between my audience and the door Ryan had left through. There was no competition. To the surprise of no one there, I darted after Ryan and sprinted through the parking circle towards his quickly disappearing back.

“I can’t,” He whispered as soon as I caught up, not even looking at me.

I spun him around and pushed him against the door of his car. He didn’t resist me in the slightest. I pulled him into a kiss, which he returned eagerly. He was so pliant and needy, I couldn’t resist the temptation to slide my hand into his pants and grab hold of him.

“Col…” He moaned. “I can’t.”

“I can’t live without you,” I stated, pumping hard at his cock, which was already very swollen. “I need you.” 

At the words, Ryan tumbled over the edge, and I briefly wondered if he’d brought a change of pants. He yanked me hard against him, biting down hard on my lip in a demanding kiss before pushing me away. “This, Col! This is why I can’t be near you. I can’t control myself.”

He threw open his car door and clambered inside, not even looking back at me as he pulled away.

I was left standing there with an awful tenting in my pants and a hand completely covered in ejaculate. Any thought about returning to Drew’s house evaporated. I licked my hand a bit before wiping it off on my pants and walking a few blocks to clear my head. Then, I hailed a taxi and left. Getting hammered seemed like an excellent idea; I only wished I’d thought to steal some of Drew’s liquor before leaving.

=====.o0o.=====


	10. Inevitable

=====.o0o.=====

There’s this game we’d done in rehearsal last season and were thinking of adding to the roster called Really Bad Hangover. Every noise is amplified tenfold and the slightest agitation becomes unfathomably painful. I thought it was a lot of fun at rehearsal, but damn it if I wasn’t miserable playing the live version now.

I almost threw up when I jerked awake in my hotel room, the phone blaringly loud. I glanced at my watch which stated that I’d managed to sleep away the entire morning. And why was the phone still going? I thought I might shoot it if there was a gun nearby. Given that I was lacking one, I answered it instead.

“Hello?”

“Did you happen to look at the paper today?” My agent was already saying without even a hello. This couldn’t be good.

“Um. No.”

“I got one sent to your room. Go look at it.” I bit back my irritation and fetched the paper from where it’d been slid under my door. “Fourth page,” I was instructed.

I yawned heavily and nearly choked when I got a look at the page. On it was a blown up picture of me and Ryan kissing. My hand was clearly inside his pants, and there was no way we were going to pass this off as nothing. “Aw, shit,” I mumbled as I scanned the article. There was a reference to the quote of Drew saying we were not a couple, and then Ryan reinforcing that comment. No one else had been asked for comments on the issue, but clearly they didn’t need any for publishing an article with a photograph that persuasive.

“No kidding. How do you want me to handle this?”

I shrugged, even though it couldn’t be seen. “Just stick with ‘no comment’ I guess.”

My agent sighed like that was expected but unsatisfactory and hung up without further commentary. I wondered if this turn of events was even a surprise.

I thought maybe I should just sleep through the day and headed for my bed. Of course, the phone rang again. I shot it a withering look before answering. “What?”

“Hey, man, I just saw the paper. Why didn’t you guys just tell us?” Drew also didn’t bother to introduce himself, and it was getting altogether annoying. “I mean, you know we’d support you.”

“Have you talked to Ryan?” I asked, ignoring his questions entirely.

“Not yet. No one is answering at their place. I kind of imagine there are some big things going down.”

“Who else knows?” I asked, referring to the  _ Whose Line _ cast.

I could practically hear Drew squirm. “Well, pretty much everyone.”

“I’m guessing you had something to do with that.”

“Hey, better from me than through the grapevine.”

“Drew, you are the grapevine.”

“Anyway, I take it this is why you guys were trying to quit the show?”

“Yeah. And thank you so much for arranging our rendezvous,” I declared, knowing I was unfairly putting the blame on Drew. Really, it was all my fault for chasing after Ryan and pushing him until he caved. I could just imagine what Ryan was going through right then.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I’m on your side. Let me know if I can do anything.”

I felt a little guilty for biting at him. Drew really was a good guy. “Yeah, thanks.”

“Now that this is out, I really hope you’ll reconsider leaving  _ Whose Line _ .”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

The minute I hung up on Drew, there was a knock on the door, and after a longing glance at the bed, I decided I certainly was not going to be able to escape reality anytime soon. I checked the peephole in case it was the paparazzi and didn’t know whether I should be glad that it was Ryan instead.

I let him in and he dropped his things near the door, two duffel bags, and ran a hand through his hair. “Pat kicked me out.”

I nodded, closing the door behind him. It wasn’t exactly unexpected.

“Fuck!” He shouted, kicking at the carpet like it had done him some serious personal wrong. “Fuck.” He turned to me, looking caught between tears and anger. “My kids, Col.”

Before I could respond, Ryan was already pushing me back on the bed, straddling my hips and pinning my wrists as he nipped at my neck. Ryan was usually content to let me run the show, but today, he needed the control, so I let him have it. He stripped me, batting my hands away every time I tried to return the favor, and pausing a moment when he’d finished, like he was unsure of the next steps. I handed him the lotion stowed away in the bedside table, and that was all the encouragement he needed to keep going. His fingers fumbled through preparing me, and I was nervous about letting Ryan top. He didn’t know what he was doing, and he was angry to boot. Then, he kissed me deeply, and I found my concerns vanishing. This was Ryan, and Ryan would never hurt me.

There was a burn as he pushed inside, and for a moment, I thought I’d made a huge mistake. I hissed in pain, and Ryan halted, eyes wide and slightly panicked. I grabbed hold of him so he wouldn’t pull out as I adjusted, then nodded when I was okay to continue. It wasn’t bad, just a little weird. Ryan slowly started up until he found a pace that worked, a little rougher and faster than usual, but I didn’t mind. Then he shifted the angle, and suddenly I could understand an appeal of taking it from another man that had nothing to do with emotions. “Right there!” I gasped out.

Smirking, Ryan complied, pounding into the spot that made me see stars. I felt increasingly out of control as he continued on. Why we’d never done it before, I wasn’t sure, but we’d definitely be doing it again if I had my way. Not a minute later, I was already releasing, coating my chest while Ryan grunted and came inside me.

After we finished, Ryan tugged me into his arms. There was a wetness blossoming on my back that I was certain were tears, but I refrained from commenting.

When I was sure Ryan had fallen asleep, I rolled over and called Deb, begging her to visit Pat and see what she could do. She agreed to help, but she wasn’t sure what could still be done at this point.

“It might be too late,” Deb explained her concerns. “Finding out your husband is cheating on you again through the media instead of from the source, well, that’s going to take a lot to get over.”

=====.o0o.=====

I turned the phone on speaker so Ryan could listen in. We were going to film in less than ten minutes, but I thought Deb might have some good news.

“Okay, so it took some convincing, and it’s going to be a long, long time before she forgives either of you, but she agreed that the kids need to be able to see their father regularly, so she’s consented to every other weekend and half the holidays.”

Ryan looked immensely relieved. “You’re an angel, Deb. A beautiful, beautiful angel.” 

“Yeah, well, I still expect you try and work something out with her. She deserves a hell of a lot better than you’ve given her,” Deb declared.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“Five minutes!” Someone called from the hallway, and we both profusely thanked Deb before heading toward the stage. 

Ryan took my hand in the hallway and kissed it. Neither of us was big on public displays of affection, so it didn’t feel like much had changed except a lifting of the guilt that had plagued me since I’d visited that other reality. “Thank you,” he said, smiling.

I smiled back and released his hand before we moved to our seats. Dan had thrown quite the fuss over the newspaper article, but he didn’t hesitate to accept us back into our old jobs, so I thought that said a lot. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I missed most of Drew’s introduction and only barely caught the tail end.

“And for the thousands of you who’ve written in, yes, Colin and Ryan are a couple.”

=====.o0o.=====


End file.
